It is hard not to cry sometimes.
For me, it is hard not to cry most of the time.
But there are some things you can't not cry about.
Luckily, I know a good place to cry.
When you are in the shower, you are most likely alone.
You have the noise of the water coming down on you so you can cry as loud as you want.
You can wail and scream and pant, and its alright.
You are alone.
The water may as well be Niagara falls. Piercing, reeling, bloody.
The water also mixes with your tears.
You can pretend that the salt water and real water are both coming out of you.
You can pretend that the rage and rush of the fountain are all of your feelings.
Enough to drown you.
You can release everything you feel when walking through crowds of people.
You can forget your family is moving.
You can forget that you are missing a major piece of you.
You can pretend that the tears are just chemical properties.
Part of your physiology.
Instead of the gut-ripping, intensifying, earth shattering feelings they really are.
Luckily, I know a good place to cry.
When you are in the shower, you are most likely alone.
9.10.2008
What We Need
Courage
It is in the small things we see it.
The child’s first step,
as awesome as an earthquake.
The first time you rode a bike,
wallowing up the sidewalk.
The first spanking when your heartwent on a journey all alone.
When they called you crybaby
or poor or fatty or crazy
and made you into an alien,
you drank their acid
and concealed it.
Later,
if you faced the death of bombs and bullets
you did not do it with a banner,
you did it with only a hat to
cover your heart.
You did not fondle the weakness inside you
though it was there.
Your courage was a small coal
that you kept swallowing.
If your buddy saved you
and died himself in so doing,
then his courage was not courage,
it was love; love as simple as shaving soap.
Later,
if you have endured a great despair,
then you did it alone,
getting a transfusion from the fire,
picking the scabs off your heart,
then wringing it out like a sock.
Next, my kinsman, you powdered your sorrow,
you gave it a back rub
and then you covered it with a blanket
and after it had slept a while
it woke to the wings of the roses
and was transformed.
Later,
when you face old age and its natural conclusion
your courage will still be shown in the little ways,
each spring will be a sword you’ll sharpen,
those you love will live in a fever of love,
and you’ll bargain with the calendar
and at the last moment
when death opens the back door
you’ll put on your carpet slippers
and stride out.
-Anne Sexton
I believe it too.
It is in the small things we see it.
The child’s first step,
as awesome as an earthquake.
The first time you rode a bike,
wallowing up the sidewalk.
The first spanking when your heartwent on a journey all alone.
When they called you crybaby
or poor or fatty or crazy
and made you into an alien,
you drank their acid
and concealed it.
Later,
if you faced the death of bombs and bullets
you did not do it with a banner,
you did it with only a hat to
cover your heart.
You did not fondle the weakness inside you
though it was there.
Your courage was a small coal
that you kept swallowing.
If your buddy saved you
and died himself in so doing,
then his courage was not courage,
it was love; love as simple as shaving soap.
Later,
if you have endured a great despair,
then you did it alone,
getting a transfusion from the fire,
picking the scabs off your heart,
then wringing it out like a sock.
Next, my kinsman, you powdered your sorrow,
you gave it a back rub
and then you covered it with a blanket
and after it had slept a while
it woke to the wings of the roses
and was transformed.
Later,
when you face old age and its natural conclusion
your courage will still be shown in the little ways,
each spring will be a sword you’ll sharpen,
those you love will live in a fever of love,
and you’ll bargain with the calendar
and at the last moment
when death opens the back door
you’ll put on your carpet slippers
and stride out.
-Anne Sexton
I believe it too.
8.11.2008
Girl in the Glass
I didn't always like me. My adolescent years, in fact, were sated with me not liking me. And, although later then desired, I am beginning to realize that I never really knew me. I knew my imitation. I knew my supposed best side which transformed into a monster threatening to mask who me is forever. I knew the me that I thought everyone else wanted, never really being... me. Over the past couple years, she has unearthed herself. And you know what? She is not as even tempered, or as beautiful physically, or popular. But she in fact, is more honest, and more passionate, and more fun. Much, much more fun. She is also unfeigned, and not two-faced, and not insecure.
This realization felt like synesthesia to my heart, where my sight and my heart began to correspond with the young girl in the mirror. "I know her," I began to feel. And I began to love the girl staring back. I also, began seeking for her approval, because the girl on the other side wanted me to be me, and a good me. And I had so much fun, beginning to understand that girl, and beginning to let her be her own kind of beautiful. No longer an imitation.
The girl in the mirror prefers to go barefoot if possible. She thinks no makeup is desirable, and gossip is overrated and unkind. She has compassion on those who struggle socially, instead of pretending she is above them. She waits sometimes three days to wash her hair, and often would rather watch Pride and Prejudice for the 151st time with her Mom then see friends. She keeps secrets. She confronts those who have hurt her feelings, and is quick to anger and quick to forgive. She is nice to people, and honest with herself and Heavenly Father and wipes tears away from her eyes when she talks to friends and they are real tears, and not pretend. And her split ends, and flat chest, and unshaved legs are part of her, and her smile is real and same with her hands. And she is me. And I love her. And I didn't always, but I do now. And I am excited to take her along with me for the rest of my life.
-- Some luck lies not in getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known. --Garrison Keillor, Lake Woebegone Days
This realization felt like synesthesia to my heart, where my sight and my heart began to correspond with the young girl in the mirror. "I know her," I began to feel. And I began to love the girl staring back. I also, began seeking for her approval, because the girl on the other side wanted me to be me, and a good me. And I had so much fun, beginning to understand that girl, and beginning to let her be her own kind of beautiful. No longer an imitation.
The girl in the mirror prefers to go barefoot if possible. She thinks no makeup is desirable, and gossip is overrated and unkind. She has compassion on those who struggle socially, instead of pretending she is above them. She waits sometimes three days to wash her hair, and often would rather watch Pride and Prejudice for the 151st time with her Mom then see friends. She keeps secrets. She confronts those who have hurt her feelings, and is quick to anger and quick to forgive. She is nice to people, and honest with herself and Heavenly Father and wipes tears away from her eyes when she talks to friends and they are real tears, and not pretend. And her split ends, and flat chest, and unshaved legs are part of her, and her smile is real and same with her hands. And she is me. And I love her. And I didn't always, but I do now. And I am excited to take her along with me for the rest of my life.
-- Some luck lies not in getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known. --Garrison Keillor, Lake Woebegone Days
7.26.2008
Testimony
"I’m not interested in the insurance industry. I’m tired of being a skeptic. I’m irritated by spiritual prudence and I feel bored and parched by empirical debate. I don’t want to hear it anymore. I couldn’t care less about evidence and proof and assurances. I just want God. I want God inside me. I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water."
- Elizabeth Gilbert
6.25.2008
A Concern
I have a concern. It is regarding this period of my life. (For those females my age you may be able to empathize.)
Lately I feel like every conversation, revolves around marriage or relationships:
Who is engaged to who.
Who is dating someone seriously.
Who is talking about marriage with someone.
Who is waiting for a missionary faithfully.
Who is not going to wait for their missionary faithfully.
Who is secretly engaged but it just isn't official yet.(aka no ring)
Who is heartbroken because of a recent break-up.
I admit- in the past I have contributed to these conversations. I have listened and asked questions that are in a large degree related to relationships.
But then I thought about it, and realized it has been awhile since anyone asked me about something other than my past, present and future relationships. So if you are my friend here are some questions you can ask me next time you see me:
How did you feel when you read Pride and Prejudice for the first time?
What is your favorite character on Lost?
If you could taste any color, which one would it be?
What is your favorite memory of ours together?
These topics are interesting too I think. And if you agree with my concern, let your voice be heard.
Let's all find something new to talk about.
Lately I feel like every conversation, revolves around marriage or relationships:
Who is engaged to who.
Who is dating someone seriously.
Who is talking about marriage with someone.
Who is waiting for a missionary faithfully.
Who is not going to wait for their missionary faithfully.
Who is secretly engaged but it just isn't official yet.(aka no ring)
Who is heartbroken because of a recent break-up.
I admit- in the past I have contributed to these conversations. I have listened and asked questions that are in a large degree related to relationships.
But then I thought about it, and realized it has been awhile since anyone asked me about something other than my past, present and future relationships. So if you are my friend here are some questions you can ask me next time you see me:
How did you feel when you read Pride and Prejudice for the first time?
What is your favorite character on Lost?
If you could taste any color, which one would it be?
What is your favorite memory of ours together?
These topics are interesting too I think. And if you agree with my concern, let your voice be heard.
Let's all find something new to talk about.
6.11.2008
The Age We Live In
There are some problems in this world.
#1- I saw a girl on campus wearing leggings with nothing over them.
#2- A kid I know misspelled the word teeth. (Teath).
#3- There are currently four email addresses I occupy, 3 of which are spam infested.
There are also some great things in this world.
#1- My college physical science professor gave us a 100 point test and the only question was what our name is.
#2- People are proving that tanning causes cancer which is good news for those of us who do not have naturally olive skin, making white skin more permissible.
#3- I won speed scrabble three Sundays in a row.
There may be hope still.
#1- I saw a girl on campus wearing leggings with nothing over them.
#2- A kid I know misspelled the word teeth. (Teath).
#3- There are currently four email addresses I occupy, 3 of which are spam infested.
There are also some great things in this world.
#1- My college physical science professor gave us a 100 point test and the only question was what our name is.
#2- People are proving that tanning causes cancer which is good news for those of us who do not have naturally olive skin, making white skin more permissible.
#3- I won speed scrabble three Sundays in a row.
There may be hope still.
6.01.2008
Germany: Love, Friendship and Tom
I have a friend. His name is Tom. He is a very special kind of friend because he is very far away. He lives in Germany with his family and likes to come visit me in America and teach me German words and go to Lake Powell. And I miss him. That's all.
5.28.2008
My ABC's
A - Alpine. Not born and raised, but partially raised.
B - Books. Bible. Book of Mormon.
C - Christmas. I cry everyday on the 26th before getting out of bed.
D - Drawing, Painting, Sketching, etc.
E - Elaborate plans I make in my head.
F - Flying. I dream about doing it every night.
G - Google - I use this pretty little tool everyday.
H - Hugs or Kisses? Hmm.... Hugs and Kisses.
I - Imagination. It is both a blessing and a curse.
J - Jocks? Nah.
K - Kit. My most commonly used K word in scrabble.
L - Little Women. Chronologically I'm Beth, but I am Jo at heart.
M - Mandy Madson.
N - New stuff. I like to shop.
O - Only my best friends really know me.
P - Popcorn. My one true love.
Q - Quilting was not fun the one time I attempted to do it.
R - Running, Rain, Reading, Rock and Roll
S - Snow. Snowboarding. Skiing.
T - Thoreau or Emerson? e.e. Cummings.
U - Underwear. I once spent $140 on it at one time. I like it.
V - Vision. I have bad eyesight. But I still have vision.
W - Warts, Weirdo's, and Weddings freak me out.
X - X-tremely into spelling things correctly.
Y - Young. And in love. With the idea of being in love.
Z - Zzzzz Sleeping. Was invented for me.
B - Books. Bible. Book of Mormon.
C - Christmas. I cry everyday on the 26th before getting out of bed.
D - Drawing, Painting, Sketching, etc.
E - Elaborate plans I make in my head.
F - Flying. I dream about doing it every night.
G - Google - I use this pretty little tool everyday.
H - Hugs or Kisses? Hmm.... Hugs and Kisses.
I - Imagination. It is both a blessing and a curse.
J - Jocks? Nah.
K - Kit. My most commonly used K word in scrabble.
L - Little Women. Chronologically I'm Beth, but I am Jo at heart.
M - Mandy Madson.
N - New stuff. I like to shop.
O - Only my best friends really know me.
P - Popcorn. My one true love.
Q - Quilting was not fun the one time I attempted to do it.
R - Running, Rain, Reading, Rock and Roll
S - Snow. Snowboarding. Skiing.
T - Thoreau or Emerson? e.e. Cummings.
U - Underwear. I once spent $140 on it at one time. I like it.
V - Vision. I have bad eyesight. But I still have vision.
W - Warts, Weirdo's, and Weddings freak me out.
X - X-tremely into spelling things correctly.
Y - Young. And in love. With the idea of being in love.
Z - Zzzzz Sleeping. Was invented for me.
5.18.2008
Socio- Rules of Amor
There is this theory we have created. (We being me and my other half - Elizabeth, aka Lizzie Cosper.) There are three groups of people in this society. I cannot say world, because that is a variable so large I do not wish to attempt*. However, in this society - America, Utah, BYU, whatever you choose - there are three groups of people who relate differently in the ways of love. I will attempt to explain this thesis.
The first group are the ones who are different, and do not care. They may like anime, or Russian literature, and may have bug collections and/or fingernail clipping collections. The point is - they are naturally drawn to those like themselves. Outsiders if you will. They will also grow old happy and content to discuss Star Trek and/or underwater basket weaving.
The third group, (we will come back to the second), are God's gift to mankind. And one another. They enjoy spending Daddy's money, looking great in a size 2 bathing suits, and golfing at the nearby country club. They are well fed, well bred, and well read. They are immediately drawn to one another and one another's equally stunning accomplishments: perfect hair, eyes, bodies, and overall, general perfectness. They may or may not grow old happily, but will eventually marry and spend their trust funds on vacations to Crete and Range Rovers with silver rims.
The second group are, sadly, most of the human race. We may not love Star Trek, but may still enjoy Harry Potter, Scrabble, and the occasional splurge at Buckle. We may or may not be extremely smart, wealthy, nerdy, good looking, or talented. However, we may have great personalities, and may be talented in some activities such as badminton, and Egyptian War. The plight of the seconders is, that unlike the first and third parties, we are not united. We do not want the firsts. We however, all want the thirds. Who, not suprisingly, do not want us. We are then forced to wed one another. Unless true love is acheived, we may marry wishing we could get a third, or we may never wed because we refuse not to marry a third. Although this scale may be exaggerated, it is somewhat factual.
Advice to fellow seconders: Third is not always the best.
*Not to mention, there are still arranged marriages in some places like Arabia
The first group are the ones who are different, and do not care. They may like anime, or Russian literature, and may have bug collections and/or fingernail clipping collections. The point is - they are naturally drawn to those like themselves. Outsiders if you will. They will also grow old happy and content to discuss Star Trek and/or underwater basket weaving.
The third group, (we will come back to the second), are God's gift to mankind. And one another. They enjoy spending Daddy's money, looking great in a size 2 bathing suits, and golfing at the nearby country club. They are well fed, well bred, and well read. They are immediately drawn to one another and one another's equally stunning accomplishments: perfect hair, eyes, bodies, and overall, general perfectness. They may or may not grow old happily, but will eventually marry and spend their trust funds on vacations to Crete and Range Rovers with silver rims.
The second group are, sadly, most of the human race. We may not love Star Trek, but may still enjoy Harry Potter, Scrabble, and the occasional splurge at Buckle. We may or may not be extremely smart, wealthy, nerdy, good looking, or talented. However, we may have great personalities, and may be talented in some activities such as badminton, and Egyptian War. The plight of the seconders is, that unlike the first and third parties, we are not united. We do not want the firsts. We however, all want the thirds. Who, not suprisingly, do not want us. We are then forced to wed one another. Unless true love is acheived, we may marry wishing we could get a third, or we may never wed because we refuse not to marry a third. Although this scale may be exaggerated, it is somewhat factual.
Advice to fellow seconders: Third is not always the best.
*Not to mention, there are still arranged marriages in some places like Arabia
5.16.2008
5.04.2008
Spring Time
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
5.03.2008
Davy Crockett and Sally Ann Thunder Wedding
Inspiration Board:
Sally Ann Thunder and Davy Crockett united for a weddingthat the backwoods of Tennessee and Kentucky
are not likely to ever see again.
Some fun facts about the happy couple:
Sally Ann can: "Tote a steamboat on her back, outscream a panther, and jump over her own shadow."
Davy Crockett can: "Slide down the slippery ends of a rainbow, outrun, outlick, and outholler any ring-tailed roarer east of the Mississippi!"
What: A wedding uniting Davy Crockett and Sally Ann Thunder Ann Whirlwind
Where: The Backwoods of Tennessee
When: One spring day
The wedding's colors included:
Whiskey Brown
Prairie Yellow
Berry Red
&
Various Rattlesnake Prints
The groom and groomsmen wore: Coonskin capsThe bridesmaids wore rattle-snake belts - (The same ones Sally Ann used to rescue Davy with)
The bride wore prairie plaid.
The entire wedding party wore rattle snake boots.
The guests dined on:Alligator Stew- (Courtesy of Mike Fink)
Dumplings - (That could make a bear cry)
Berry Cake - (Foraged by Sally Ann herself)
Each Guest took home a crock of churned butter (Courtesy of the Grizzly Bear)
The guests enjoyed:
Square Dancing (With bears and humans alike)
Smiling Raccoons out of trees
A rousing game of horseshoes
Walnut Cracking (With front teeth of course)
The guests included but were not limited to:Mike Fink in the form of an alligator
Fellow Prairie Folk (Supporters of Davy Crockett's political campaign)
Sally Ann and her prairie friends (especially Lucy)
The Panthers - especially the Big Eater of the Forest
Sally Ann says of the day, "After freein Davy from the tree, I knew he was something special. When he told me his "heart was bustin" I knew it was high time that I took his calloused hand in marriage. But there ain't nothing I can do with Davy that I couldn't do before. I was tickled pink that the grizzlies made it to the wedding for some square dancing, and even made some apple dumplings in their honor. I also decided to put myself and Mike Fink's differences behind me and invite him to the wedding. I kept a toothpick in my pocket in case he tried any funny business, I would throw him into the muddy swamp. I will slide down rainbows with you any day Davy. Thanks for being my man."
p.s. a special thanks to Davy for freeing the sun for the special day.
"Oh my stars and possum's why not?"
Text taken from: Osborne, Mary Pope. American Tall Tales. New York:1991. Text.
"Oh my stars and possum's why not?"
Text taken from: Osborne, Mary Pope. American Tall Tales. New York:1991. Text.
4.20.2008
Makes Me Smile
I heard something beautiful today by my recent friend Jeff Moffat. Hi Jeff. I hope you don't read this, but if you do... consider it a compliment. It was testimony meeting and Jeff followed about five very teary girls. This is how he began, "The gospel makes me happy. Some people cry - and I guess they are tears of joy, but it just makes me smile." As he said that, I realized that I felt the same way. I cry sometimes in my testimony, but only when expressing feelings about loved ones, not really when I share my feelings about the gospel. When I share my testimony about the church, I can't help but smile. I smile because I know it. I smile because it's true. I smile because every part of me is so grateful to have it in my life that it doesn't make sense to me to cry. The gospel makes me happy too Jeff. Thank you.
4.10.2008
Emerson Lynn
Today I became an aunt. Yesterday I was not an aunt, but instead a sister, a daughter, a cousin, a niece, a grandaughter and a friend. But today I am an aunt. And I will be an aunt until tomorrow and the next day and the next day and on into the eternities. And even though I have yet to hold my niece, and officially become her aunt - It is possible I will have that opportunity soon.
This makes me think of all the things I have yet to become. A fiance, a wife, a mother, a grandmother, etc. I have a lot of labels left to acquire. But today I am an aunt. And I think I am going to like that.
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