last hurrah

Before my sister left she asked if we could do one last thing.

We stopped by my apartment and put on down coats with hoods,

arguing over who could wear the one to the knees and she won.

I picked up the bag of candles in my dresser - the ones we keep

just in case, and a half-used box of matches that I can never find when I need them,

and are always there when I don't.

She drove too fast.

I sit on the passenger seat and navigate, one eye on the wheel,

my foot pressing down out of habit on sharp turns.

 She was always faster than me.

I step out at the lake and move the trespassing sign, my breath leaving circles behind me.

We park and look for wood, the lake reflecting the stars that break my heart,

and a giant white Heron, who watched us with his head cocked to one side.

We ran down the dock towards the water,

balancing the candles on the wood and she struck the matches.

Hand in hand we watched our candles float towards the center of the lake

a lump forming in my throat, tears too frozen to fall.

It felt like the end of something, but the flickering candles tell me otherwise.

Their light penetrated the frozen dark

and she drove home slower,

and we hugged goodbye instead of waving this time. 

photo via 

Sharing and Inspired

I have come across so many amazing articles/music/videos lately, and I think it would be unfair to keep them to myself. Sometimes I get so lost in my own thoughts that I fail to recognize the genius thoughts of others. There are so many  people in this world that I have so much to learn from. Lately I have been hungry for learning anything. From history to pregnancy to the latest trends, to cooking. I just want to know everything you can know in this life.

Here are just a few of the things that have inspired me lately:

This article moved me so much. No matter which faith you choose to believe, we all learn about God in the same way.

This article was amazing. It taught me that two happy people can make a relationship work, but they have to be happy on their own - and not focus their identities on their marriage.




I downloaded this video at Ashley's recommendation on my iPhone and listened to it three times on my commute. Life-changing, really.

And last of all, I fell in love all over again with Bon Iver's Stacks:

 "This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization
It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away
Your love will be safe with me"

V Day and 18 months Haiku

we did not know we
were alone until we met.
my heart beats for you.


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best day

We drove at sunrise through the desert,

watching the oranges and pinks blur with our speed

and the heat rise from the sun's arms in this place.

You said you were hungry so I found a place called

The Black Bear Diner

and we came in right before the local rush.

My hair wasn't brushed and we both hadn't showered

and our waitress was Asian and bored.

I ordered the French toast and you had an omelet.

We watched a mother wrestle two young blonde children 

while the father spoke outside on his phone.

You stole a bite of my toast and determined that it was better than yours,

and we both looked up and smiled between bites.

You tipped the bored waitress well and I protested on our walk out

but then you shook your head

and we kissed before putting on our seat belts and resuming our long desert drive.

When she asked me what my favorite day was besides my wedding day

all I could think about was that drive and that stop,

and that prayer of gratitude for our existence

at the way your eyebrows raised when you smiled at me between bites.

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Attention all Boys:

She really wants these for Valentines Day. Don't waste your money on flowers or perfume.


You're welcome.

my thoughts this evening

There are too many places and things, and you can do anything but not everything they say which is not enough, because what does one do when everything is everything and anything is not. I look at graduate schools in my free time - all over the country, even though I know that is not where we will live. I want to be in Paris and New York and even Kentucky because there are things to be in every place, and I can't believe the unfair fact that I only get this one life. I look for jobs in my free time when I am not working, not because I don't love my job because I do - but because something is not everything. I get angry when my free time is used to try to contain my free time, but that is what I do because what does one do with free time, really? There is no rest for the chronically restless. Every thought, every fact, every place, every experience. Some say they have a thirst for life - but I think I have a desperation for this existence.

I want everything not anything.

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Defying Hitler

                        


"It may seem a paradox, but it is nonetheless the simple truth, to say that on the contrary, the decisive historical events take place among us, the anonymous masses. The most powerful dictators, ministers, and generals are powerless against the simultaneous mass decisions taken individually and almost unconsciously by the population at large. It is characteristic of these decisions that they do not manifest themselves as mass movements or demonstrations. Mass assemblies are quite incapable of independent action. Decisions that influence the course of history arise out of the individual experiences of thousands or millions of individuals."

I finished Defying Hitler over the weekend - a book I have been looking forward to reading for months. It was much different than I expected it to be, but still one of the more worthwhile memoirs I have read because of the powerful content.

If you are expecting a thrilling memoir involving violence, or open defiance against Hitler among Germans, this is not the book for you. If however, you have ever wondered, "How did Hitler rise to power?" and, "Why didn't anyone stop him?" this book will answer all of those questions with a concise and methodical delivery. 

I thought the book was terrifying from start to finish - it demonstrated how the young generation of Nazi's were often bored, since they grew up with WWI and were used to turmoil. It also discusses the helplessness most Germans felt during Hitler's rise - terror for their country and what it was becoming, but with such extreme patriotism embodied in them, they felt they could not abandon it. They could not give up on their idea of what Germany stood for.  I have never read such a clear account of German history. You hear stories of Nazi's and Jews and Concentration Camps, but what is so often overlooked in literature/history were the everyday German citizens who were not Nazi's, and did not sympathize with the Nazi's.

Also discussed were the tools that the Nazi's used to coerce German citizens into joining. Comradeship, Haffner claims, was the downfall, a very interesting and actually believable claim that he demonstrates through personal experience.

I found the book interesting and enlightening - but not an easy read. My mom asked if she should take it with her on her vacation to Hawaii this week and I said no. It's not a pool side read, and it takes concentration because of the philosophical, political thought. However, I have never considered Hitler's rise with this angle, and learned more about Nazi Germany than any history class, other novel, movie, etc. combined. For those interested in history, WWII, and political thought, I highly recommend it. For those who prefer fiction, it might be a little boring.

Have you read Defying Hitler? What did you think?

clothing fast

(What I wish my closet looked like via)

One of my goals for the New Year, was to not buy clothes at all for four months. That includes jewelry, shoes and accessories. Crazy?

My friend Sheryl told me that she did not buy new clothes for a full year last year. Nothing! I was amazed by that and inspired, but decided a whole year was a little too long for me, and tried to make my goal more attainable. 

The thing is - my clothes will not all fit in my closet. Embarrassing, since it is a pretty big - but not walk-in closet. I donated everything I no longer wear, but even still - the clothes are so jammed on their hangers that they are difficult to pull out, and get lost, even though I color-code everything. To keep myself motivated to not add more to my overflowing closet, every month I am putting $100 that I would have spent on clothes into a separate fund for a trip, or a larger furniture purchase.

To be honest, it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. It has forced me to be creative with the clothes I already have, and even though it has only been a month I feel such a sense of accomplishment. As an avid shopaholic, it feels good to scale back and focus on what I already have, which is still much more than I need.

That being said, here are the items I am hoping to purchase when May gets here. Maybe they will be on sale by then!

This dress

These pants

This shirt

This necklace

These earrings

This swimming suit 

This trench

This sweater

(p.s. Have any of you done a clothing fast, or spending fast in general? It has been such a good experience so far.)

call with Jess

My sister Jessica was able to call me two days ago from the airport on her way to Lithuania. It was so strange hearing her voice after three months of being away. It was so familiar, but in a lot of ways so different. I thought there would be too many things to say - too many emotions to express, but it was actually so normal which I loved more than anything. It's like she hasn't been gone at all and we were just having a quick chat to catch up.

We talked about Kevin's new job, about his med school interviews, about what was going on with the kids at church. She told me about her roommates and her flight so far, and about the food at the airport. She told me she was afraid a little bit about moving to this foreign place but then said quickly, "I'm trying to stop thinking about fear, because fear is not of God" and I remembered what I had to tell myself three months ago when she left. That sometimes courage is saying goodbye to someone else you love who is doing something hard - shared courage.

She spoke a few minutes in Lithuanian to me. The language sounds so smooth and liquid and in some ways reminded me of Parseltongue :) So many "S" sounds, with long, flowing words. It sounded so beautiful the way she spoke it - I wished I could understand what she said and then I realized that she would be speaking it to people who do understand. The message they need to hear the most in their own, native language and I said a prayer in my heart that they would listen.

We didn't cry like I thought we would, because I was trying to be brave and she is always more brave but I cried after we hung up because I didn't know it was possible to miss someone with this same heartbreaking urgency. Then I thought about her hanging up the payphone with tears in her eyes which made me me cry more.

The missing is not the thing that pains, but the love. One thing I have learned from this experience so far is that love is hard but it is so good. It is the best thing.

(Jess and I two summers ago in Connecticut)

Insta - Life - January

Kevin and I consider ourselves pretty lucky so far this year. We live in gorgeous Utah, both have jobs we love, and got to spend the month of January with the people we love the most since Kevin's dad is here from  Ohio, and my sisters and their kids came to visit from Tennessee and North Carolina.

January is typically a dreary, sad month for me since December is full of so much action and joy but I can safely say that if the rest of my year goes as well as January has for me, 2012 will be a pretty great year.

p.s. if you have instagram follow me @mvoisin so I can follow you. It is definitely my favorite thing about having an iPhone - being able to capture small moments like my mom helping my sister with times tables by the fire and the beautiful January sunsets Utah offers us.

Being a Mormon

When I was a sophomore in High School, my American Studies class studied the Transcendentalists. My friend Ashley and I - (always kindred spirits), agreed that if we were not Mormons we would definitely be Transcendentalists. Reading this quote from Emerson's Self Reliance changed my life -  " Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood."

I felt misunderstood then - as does probably every High School girl, and I felt so inspired by the Transcendentalist's. Their quest for truth through thought and nature was beautiful in a new way.

Then in college I took a class about Judaism and this was our text book. (Which does not read by a textbook at all.) It explained Judaism clearly and concisely and actually - very beautifully. My appreciation for the Jewish culture expanded and I began to really appreciate the history of this sacred and devoted people. Wouk says that his work is, "For people who have at least an open mind on God, and who would like to know something about the Jewish way to him." While reading I often thought to myself - if I were not Mormon, I would convert to Judaism. 

 I was thinking about both of these experiences on my long commute to work. About Transcendentalism, about Judaism - about Mormonism. It seems like every day I see a new article on Mormonism (many having to do with my friend Mitt). There seem to be  a lot of people lately who have a lot to say about my religion. In some ways I think it is wonderful and it some ways I feel much like Emerson - - that we as a people are terribly misunderstood. That we are seen as maybe something we are not. The thing is though, I am not a Transcendentalist. I am not a Jew. I am a Mormon - and I am a Mormon very consciously, despite having been raised one. 

I have explored other faiths, I have studied them and I find truth and beauty in almost all of them. In a time where many are afraid of religion or perhaps merely apathetic to God, I find need for Him more than ever. Wouk's title, "This is My God" is very appropriate for this time where Mormons seem to be misunderstood and sometimes judged because of "Our God." We get to choose our God and I have chosen mine decisively and resoundingly. 

I think if we took the time to learn more about other faiths - other belief systems, we would understand each other much better because even though Emerson says to be great is to be misunderstood, I want people to have the chance to understand me and why I believe what I believe. 

image via

suspicious

"I don’t turn on the radio because I know it won’t be that song, for that would be too perfect, and part of our living agreement on earth is the suspicion of wonderful things happening to us." via

I might be the most suspicious of all, but that can't stop the wonderful from happening anyway.

photo via 

Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening

          

   My dad shared this poem with my family earlier this month. He said that some critics suggest it is about suicide, or misery. My dad suggested that it is quite the opposite. 
   He said, "We do hard things, go to school and go some more.  We’re willing to move away into the unknown because it’s the right thing to do. We’ll read and pray and work and endure because it’s what we've been taught and it feels right when we do right. We press on though frozen in the darkness because we have promises to keep and do so with the faith that the days get longer from here. That is what this poem is about."
   I think we all need a little more hope after the holidays die down and life - the average parts of life, resume. It is cold, and sometimes so hard but we press on because that is who we are. We are promise keepers. 


"Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."
                            - Robert Frost


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sweater party

A few weeks ago my friend Stacey (2nd picture far right) threw an epic Christmas party, and I just got the pictures back from it. Kevin and I found the ugliest sweaters we could without having to spend any money, and this was the result. Stacey is the best party planner - and this party was no exception.

My favorite part was the White Elephant gift exchange. Kevin and I brought our old, (think 90's) tv and put it in a garbage bag. Of course Tia (very center) chose it first. Watching Dan her new fiance (!) lug it up to their car after the party was so funny it brought me to tears.

p.s. If you want a good read, read this Stuff White People Like on Ugly Sweater Parties. So spot on.