Today

"You can change

You can turn your heart around

A brand new start can be found

If you'll only take one step

You can change

Wrap your mistakes in a cocoon

And let them die

And emerge a butterfly

You can change"

These lyrics give me hope.

{photo of me via }

Sometimes

I feel so proud of myself for doing things.
Not even big things.
Writing papers, doing my laundry, reading hundreds of pages.
Kevin jokingly told me today, "Mandy, you are an adult."
And sometimes I pretend like I'm not.
But sometimes I surprise myself,
And do things that I can be proud of.

And it reminds me that I can do hard things.
Do you ever feel like that?

{photo via}

Sweetest

Suppose I say summer,

Write the word "hammock"*

put it in an envelope,

take it down the hill

to the box. When you open 

my letter you will recall 

those days and how much,

just how much, I love you.

-Raymond Carver

*originally Carver used hummingbird, but I replaced it with hammock. 

(Because in case you didn't know, hammocks are pretty important to us)

{photo via}

Shhh

Do not tell anyone what I am about to tell you.
I am more afraid of birds than spiders.
When I talk to myself it is always in a British accent.
I don't think I'll ever get old.
My biggest fear is not being able to write the multitude of books in my head.
My favorite color is green, like on a well watered soccer field.
No I do not play soccer.
I despise poor grammar, but sometimes forget the rules myself.
I am sick of text messaging.
I think my hands are my most beautiful feature.
Someday I want to spend a day from dawn to dusk re-reading Cold Mountain,
Blowing my nose on my sleeve at the ending.
I want to change the world but mostly,
I want to be different from it.
I think it would be a shame to die if it was not for love.
In my head I am still eleven years old.
I still feel the urge to build forts on Saturdays.
I sing the Star Spangled Banner in the shower.
Go fish.

Callie

If there is anyone I miss right now,
(and I miss a lot of people)
It would have to be my sister Callie.

If you know Callie, you know why.
Her hugs are magical.

And her smile with the missing teeth?
Perfect in every way.

My Days

I wake up.
Walk to Class.
Raise my Hand.
Speak Italian.
Think.

I walk home.
I eat a sandwich.
I study.
I read.
I work.
I wait.
And wait.

And then.
You come.
You hug me.
And I forget.
What did I do all day?

Oh yes.
I waited for this.

Intern

I just started an internship at Shabby Apple.
Most of you in the blog world have probably heard of them because they do a lot of giveaways.
If you haven't, you should check them out.

My favorite dress is this one.
Or maybe this one.
What is yours?

p.s. if you want to offer 10% off on your blog to your readers contact me.
{photo via 21st and ivy}

Heart Melts

Please try to look at this photo without smiling.
The first time he showed me it I could not stop looking at it.
I even set it as the screen saver on my phone.
_
Oh Kev-friend,
What I would give for an hour with little you.

p.s. congratulations to my friend Michelle for setting a Baptism date!

On Being Me

I have some thoughts today.
The humbling, deep kind.
I walked home in the cold and tears pricked my eyes.
Because I think I really saw myself.
And you know what?
I really love her.
And sometimes I cry because I know that.
And maybe that seems strange,
But to me it is so beautiful I can't help it.
I cried because I saw myself in a new way,
Someone capable of being that person I imagined I would be,
10 years ago when I pictured my life.
I probably didn't picture this crying, humbled, girl in the snow.
I pictured parties, and boys, and easy A's.
But I like this girl a lot better.
And younger self?

You would like her a lot more too.

Thoughts on Luck

"Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known."
- Garrison Keillor

I think I know what this means.
Maybe.
What do you think?

Past, Future, Now

Lately I have wanted to go back in time.
I would listen to Debussy perform The First Arabesque.
And I would tell Jane Austen I would like to be her friend.
I think we could be great friends.
I would hug Anne Frank.
And probably Charlotte Bronte too.
I would not wish to do anything drastic and change history.
Just meet the people who have influenced me, and
Touched me in ways they may not even know.

Lately I have wanted to go into the future.
I would tell my future children that I was just like them once.
I would hold them tight, and tell them I cannot wait to meet them.
Someday.
I would like to see my sisters and their families, who make me so happy already.
I would like to see Kevin graduate from medical school.
It might give us more hope that he can do it, and that he will finish.
Someday.
I would like to see myself with my p.h.d in English, teaching poetry to struggling souls.
I would like to know that all that I want is possible.

Since I cannot have all of this, I suppose I will live for today.
Go to lunch with my best friend Lizzie.
Cuddle up on my couch and memorize Italian verbs.
Maybe sneak in some time to read my new favorite poet: Gerald Locklin.
And later fall asleep while Kevin watches the Basketball game after we eat at our favorite place.
And maybe this is all I really need to make me happy.

Ode to Kevin

I like dating Kevin so much.
-
He gives me piggy-backs when there is ice or snow so I don't slip or ruin my shoes.
He goes with me to In n Out at 11 pm because I am craving it even though he is tired.
He asks me to repeat things I say in Italian so I can practice.
He snorts in my ear when he tells me he has a secret.
He is so busy but every spare second he has he spends with me, instead of doing homework or sleeping.
He calls me "Mandy Candy" and laughs every time he says it.
He lets me take his coat even when it is freezing outside.
He always lets me choose where we go out to eat.
When we share ice-cream, he saves the last spoonful for me.
He cries when I cry.
_
I don't want my blog to become a Kevin-shrine or anything.
But I just wanted to tell him,
I really like having you in my life.
That's all.

Niece #2!

Remember this little bundle of love I like to brag about?
She is my favorite niece.

But not for long.

Congratulations Lacey & Drew!

I can't even wait....

p.s. this giveaway is my dream come true.

Lipstick Kiss

I sometimes cannot believe I lived 20 years without this guy in my life.
_

Boston

I love Boston at Christmas.
Despite the freezing conditions ( I am serious) it is always an adventure.
_
We ate pizza and got lobster tails at Mike's in Little Italy,
walked to the Wharf and pretended to push each other in,
went to Quincy Market and warmed up our toes,
visited the Boston Massacre site and received false directions from a drunk man,
and walked along the Freedom Trail.

_I am back in Utah now, and so happy to be here.
Let's play friends.