V-day

"There could be 100 million girls and without hesitation, I would choose you every time."  

                                                                                       - Kevin to me this morning

Valentines Day also happens to be our half-year anniversary. 2.5 years with this hunk and I couldn't be happier.

past valentines posts here, here, here. 

recent reads

I have been reading a lot lately. Here are some of my  recent reads. (Also an audiobook)

Committed - Elizabeth Gilbert

“You can measure the happiness of a marriage by the number of scars that each partner carries on their tongues, earned from years of biting back angry words.”

Gilbert did it again. I loved Eat Pray Love, so I was excited to see she wrote another book continuing her love story. Only this one was realistic. And more research based and so different yet so good. If you are married, engaged, hoping to get married someday, please read it. I think it's great that she admits that you can have your problems and still love each other more than anything. One note though - it's heavily researched meaning there are a lot of studies and expert advice thrown in. I love that kind of thing (blame it on my podcast addiction) but some people might find it boring. Also, she's very liberal about same-sex marriage, so if that kind of thing offends you maybe skip this one.

State of Wonder - Ann Patchett

“She understood in life that a person was only allowed one trip down to hell.” 

I'll confess before I rave, that it took me awhile to get into this. I started it in Lake Powell last summer and the first ten pages didn't catch my interest so I put it down. It was just sitting there and my sister Lacey loved it so I packed it in my bag and took it to Peru. Okay wow. WOW. This book is a must-read. I don't even know where to start. It felt so real to me, probably because I read it while I was also in the Amazon and kept thinking, "Yes, yes, yes." The jungle really is that crazy. It was obvious she went there and was writing from experience. The storyline is incredible - so well done and so engaging. I wish I could read it again for the first time and now I want to read everything Ann Patchett has written. (By the way, my sister lives in Nashville close to Ann Patchett's bookstore Parnassus Books and my sister and I have plans to stalk her.) 

Fairest - Gail Carson Levine

“I was born singing. Most babies cry, I sang an aria.” 

I think we all read Ella Enchanted and fell in love. I hoped to feel the same way with Fairest. I mean, it was a New York Times Bestseller and Gail Carson Levine wrote it. The story line was cute, and pretty original but I really wasn't captivated like I thought I might be. Also, I think Ella Enchanted is a great read for all ages - even adults, but this one was a little below my level and that's coming from a girl who loves YAF. If you love fairytales maybe give it a try, but otherwise this one was a miss for me. 

The Year of Magical Thinking - Joan Didion

“We are imperfect mortal beings, aware of that mortality even as we push it away, failed by our very complication, so wired that when we mourn our losses we also mourn, for better or for worse, ourselves. as we were. as we are no longer. as we will one day not be at all.” 

I bought this book after seeing The Conversation when Gwyneth Paltrow mentions reading it. Pathetic, I know. I thought it was honest from the first page. Not engaging, not thrilling but honest. Didion describes her grief in such a real way. She doesn't make it this elaborate thing that "celebrates our humanity". She exposes grief. She mourns through her writing and it is painful to read but also so beautiful. Anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one could benefit from it but I think also anyone who likes to read would enjoy it. It is hard at times to read about the loss of her husband. It made me think hard about what I would do if I lost Kevin - how I would mourn, what things I would miss. 

World War Z - Max Brooks

“The monsters that rose from the dead, they are nothing compared to the ones we carry in our hearts” 

So yeah I listened to this on audiobook and yeah it is about zombies. I was sort of avoiding that theme, associating it with werewolves and vampires but this book is none of those. It's also not YAF at all. A very adult-male kind of book, although I liked it. My sister Melissa recommended it and it made for the perfect drive-to-Arizona audiobook. I thought audio was cool, because it is told from a lot of different points of view and they have different narrators for each one. The stories all told different aspects of the war and it became so real to me that I couldn't sleep that night for fear of zombies. It was awesome, and engaging and I was so sad when it ended. Seriously one of the most original stories I've read. Just a warning though - it is pretty violent and there is some bad language.


Obviously this is a random scattering of my recent reads but I just listed the ones I thought of first. What should I read next? I have my eye on The Red Tent and Bel Canto after loving State of Wonder. 

change

I'm not really sure how I feel about blogging anymore - or really any of social media for that manner. Instagram is the only one I'm not tired of (yet). 

I used to love it because it was a way for me to express myself and write. Now, since I do so much writing on my own and I have the freedom to write whatever I want, I don't feel the same need for it. Still, I have made so many friends through blogging that it seems a waste to let it go. 

I think I'll stick around for awhile longer, but either way it was time for a change. The name Love you Longtime never really resonated with me - or any of the names for my blog before that. M.M.Voisin are my initials, and I love it and potentially (hopefully!) it will be my pen name. So feel free to update your readers or whatever if you want to.

I have dreams of launching a new site. If I ever get the time and money, maybe that will happen but until then I'm going to keep going on this old blog of mine. I have so  much to catch up on between Christmas break and the new year and my goals, and I'm hopeful that will be up soon.

Thanks for reading/visiting/commenting/being my friend whether on the blog or not. I feel so blessed to have this little community, and I'm not sure I'm quite ready to leave it.

concealed

"As it has been said:
Love and a cough
cannot be concealed.
Even a small cough.
Even a small love."
           - Anne Sexton

image

on grief

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”
                                                                        - Kurt Vonnegut 

There have been so many sad things lately. The Connecticut school shooting that brought the nation to its knees. A good friend of mine lost her baby, just minutes after giving birth. Another had a miscarriage. I have a close friend who lost his job, just weeks before Christmas. I have a family member who is struggling with an illness, and other close friends and relatives struggling with emotional or other physical issues.

It has been difficult for me to embrace the Christmas season this year, and I think all around me I feel this collective sigh - this breath escaping from all of our lips. No matter who or where we are, we experience this disbelief, this grief that is shared. We send flowers, we send well-wishes, we send prayers. But we never really know. We can never know.

I've struggled to feel happy with so much pervasive sadness. I've felt that I didn't deserve happiness - not when so many had deep struggles. In some ways, it felt like I was selfishly betraying them with my own happiness. My birthday was the day of the shooting. I was miserable for most of the day. My heart sunk at the news, then I would remember it was my birthday, then I would punish myself for the grief and pain so many were experiencing. It was a difficult thing, a constant tear at my heart strings.

I don't know what the answer is, because we cannot suffer the grief of others, nor can our efforts wholly alleviate it. We can't fix everything. But I do know this one, simple thing. That we need to allow ourselves to experience joy. Not just because it makes us feel good, but because it is necessary. We were not made for constant depression and anxiety, which is not to say that we should not allow ourselves to experience it. But to dwell on it for too long, and to punish ourselves is futile. There is too much good left. There are too many happy things ahead. 

Day One

I have this app called Day One. It's like a journal - it has a password and everything (yes, my 8 year old inner self loves that part.) It reminds me every day at 9:24 to write something down or type, rather.

I realize it is a little pathetic that I do this. I mean, I could set a timer to write in my journal, but I feel like you have to document in a way that works for you and for now, this works. Also, it is easy to include pictures.

Here are a few excerpts from it - nothing too juicy, so don't get excited. Just small things I want to remember, small experiences in my life.

September 19: I am in Nashville with Lacey and the girls. We played outside and made Halloween cards with the stickers I gave them. Seeing Lacey being a mom makes me want to be one. She's good at it.

September 21: We arrived in Fontana, North Carolina today. My favorite thing was Emmy shrieking for us to come outside at night. She was so excited for us to come out so she could show us the stars.

September 24: We threw a birthday party for Harrison today. He was teething so I'm not sure if he loved it, but we sure love him. 

September 28:

     Kevin: "Sorry I picked medical school.

     Me: "Yup."

     Kevin: "Well? Better luck next life."

October 2: We said goodbye to Brad today. We're pretty proud of him for going on a mission and made sure he knows that. He's so ready to serve the people of Bolivia.

October 29: Tonight I told Kevin I wouldn't let him go to sleep until he wrote me a haiku. Here is what he came up with. Poor sleep-deprived medical student.

"Sleep is a good thing.

I awake, though not by choice.

To sleep in is bliss."

October 31: "When nobody else celebrates you, learn to celebrate yourself. When nobody else compliments you, then compliment yourself. It's not up to other people to keep you encouraged. It is up to you. Encouragement should come from the inside." - Joel Osteen

November 5: Great yoga session tonight with my friend Tish. In the middle of our wind down, the lights are off, and we are focusing on our breathing. We are almost asleep, when the instructor tries to turn off the music and the speakers crackle. My heart jumped out of my chest and the look on Tish's face was priceless. Great way to end the practice. Namaste.

November 11: "It will not be easy. It will never be easy. But the optimist will persist in faith." - A quote from Henry B. Eyring at my church's Regional conference.

November 17: Tonight or should I say this morning? We landed in El Salvador for our layover. It is such a beautiful country from above. I can see how someone would be homesick for this place.

And today, December 8: "There are a million ways to kneel and kiss the ground." - Rumi

post-peru thoughts

I wrote about Peru - but an entire week can never be summed up in one post. So much happened there - so many different feelings, and individuals experiences and thoughts. But every time I look back I think of the same one. And it just sits there in my mind, and I think if I wrote it down it would feel more real. So here it is.

The jungle was hard for me. It was adventurous, sure. It was exciting. But it wasn't enjoyable. There were no doors to protect us from the jungle I could see right from my bed. Tarantula's skittered across those floors, snakes creeped mere feet from us. The heat and humidity was suffocating. We took icy cold showers multiple times a day, but as soon as we got out, the feeling came back. It was suffocating. I realize an "Amazon Jungle Tour" might sound phony but the truth is, it wasn't. It was so real.

Kevin tucked in the mosquito netting to my bed every night, super tight so no bugs or other creatures could get in. Then he doused the outside with insect repellent - a real health hazard. But then he kissed me goodnight through the mosquito net. It was the most romantic thing of my life.

The first morning I woke up, I was drenched in my own sweat. Disgusting, very. I live in Arizona - I am no stranger to sweat, or hot nights. But this was different. I woke up at 4:30 that first morning for our tramp through the jungle and sobbed. I wasn't sure why - I think the whole experience was hard, and a little scary. I was jet-lagged, I was hungry because the food there was terrible, but more than anything I felt so small. Almost lost in this engulfing forest that had a living, breathing soul.

And then Kevin knelt down next to my bed, and pulled my disgusting, sweaty body to his equally disgusting and sweaty body and hugged me so tight. The jungle sounds carried on behind us, and I think a cockroach skittered across the floor, but he told me it was okay to cry, and it was okay to feel these things. He didn't lecture me on enjoying the moment, or accuse me of ruining his experience (which, by the way, he loved every second of it.) He just pulled me closer to him, and fanned out the mosquito net and told me I was brave.

I realized right then, as I do every so often that I got really lucky 2.5 years ago when I married him. We're both pretty far from perfect, but he loves me a lot, and makes sure I don't forget that. I'd get lost in the jungle with him any day. 

That time we went to Peru

I'm not sure where to begin with our trip to Peru. We found super cheap flights in June, and booked our trip less than an hour later. Machu Picchu is on our bucket list, so we figured YOLO. No literally, we said YOLO like the whole time. We just brought backpacks which was tough for me, but it turns out we didn't need much. We spent 2 days in Lima, 4 in the Amazon rainforest and 3 in Cusco/Machu Picchu. It was the trip of a lifetime, and made me so grateful for the blessing it is to live in the USA. We have it pretty good over here with clean water, a strong(ish) economy and wi-fi everywhere we go :)

Here are some pictures of our trip, if you'd like to see. Pretty sure this is the longest post I've ever done, but I'm not into dragging out the details of the trip, so I apologize in advance.

First - Lima. 

 Dj and Julie - best travel companions ever!

 This guy's hair killed me the whole time. I loved it so much.

Next - the jungle. Yikes - it was intense. So sticky and hot, insects too large to be real, and crazy tour guides. We fished for piranha's, (yes, I caught one!) went hunting for alligators at night on our rickety boat, tramped through the jungle all day and night (seriously it was so tiring,) and spotted all sorts of animals. Oh - and we ate crazy things, like catfish wrapped in a banana leaf and cooked over the fire, as well as wild tomato juice for breakfast. I'm pretty sure we were served rodent meat more than once, though they claimed it was "beef." 

 The Lodge. No doors or windows so all jungle animals were welcome. Neat.

 Fishing for Piranha's.

 I caught one! 

 He tried so hard, and only caught this little sardine. Poor guy. (Kevin, not the sardine.)

By this point, my camera battery died - so lame. So the rest of the photos I had to snag from Julie.  After the Amazon we ventured to Cusco, and then took a bus ride to Ollantaytambo where we met Anna and Reto Fischer - the coolest Swiss couple ever. (Switzerland Summer 2013, right guys?) We played cards in that city, before taking the train to Machu Picchu - home of beauty and unruly wild dogs. I'm feeling lucky we didn't get rabies. Machu Picchu is too amazing too describe in words. I think everyone should make the trek at least once in their life. Those who have been there know what I mean! We loved it, every second of it.

Yes, I recognize I am wearing the exact same outfit in every picture. I was dumb and only brought one jacket and, it has since been burned because that thing was gross by the end of the trip. 

Big thanks to Dj and Julie for putting up with me in the early mornings (I'm not a morning person, turns out.) Also, thanks to Kev for pretty much carrying me after our Cusco bus ride. That Dramamine did a number on me. 

So where do we go next? I'm thinking Europe, although we're dying to see Australia and New Zealand. Oh - and China. All recommendations welcome!

North Carolina/Tennessee

I'm so late on this, but I wanted to document my awesome trip to Nashville Tennessee and Fontana North Carolina in late September. The trip started and ended in Nashville to visit Lacey and Drew and their girls. Midway through we drove to Fontana North Carolina, a little mountain town on the border of TN/NC in the Smoky Mountains where we met Melissa, Chris, and Hank.

We stayed in a little cabin and listened to some great live music by Lacey and Drew, walked around the Appalachian trail, and attempted to clog at this big jamboree. Missy and I were so bad it was hilarious. I had the best time and can't wait to see my sisters and their families so soon at Christmas. It makes me sad that we all live so far from each other. It's the worst part about growing up, I think.

Kevin had to miss this trip. With med school I think I'll be doing most of my traveling alone. Good thing he is so cute to come home to.

 Please look at Holland in this picture - she cracks me up.

 Lacey, Emmy and Holland

Melissa, Chris, and Harrison. (p.s. all of these pictures are snagged from Mel. All I ever take with me is my iPhone so I never get any good pics. That needs to change. Thanks Miss!)

the creative proces

My sister Lacey is a songwriter and a musician. I am an aspiring author.

A few days ago we talked about the creative process - though what we do is so different, the process is very similar. What a lot of people don't understand, at least those who are not the creative sort, is that creating something is difficult. It's not just that our brains are wired that way, it is actually very hard work. You hear stories about people writing a best-seller in a week, or a perfect song coming out on the first try, music and lyrics connecting ball and socket. But more often than not, that is not how it works.

We work even when we are not inspired - in fact, especially when we are not inspired, because inspiration can't last forever, and rarely comes at all. We write not when we have time, but when we don't because it is then that you feel the pressure to actually do it and make it count. Also, if  we don't there's no accounting for our time. Sometimes when I don't write I look back on my week and wonder what I even did. It's the only evidence - proof that I was here, that I lived that week, that I did anything at all.

I don't always enjoy writing, but, like Gretchen Rubin said, "I enjoy having written." There is a huge difference. I've told people that and they wonder why I do it then, if it I don't enjoy it. The thing is, it is work just like anything else. A professional violinist, or soccer player, or fashion designer will tell you the same thing. Sure, you love it - but it's still work. It's just work you love. Work you love having finished.

I never stop writing. When I drive in my car I think about my characters. I analyze their personalities, their fears, their motivations.  I take any snippet of inspiration I can and put it in my phone. If you were to look through my notes you would find random pieces like, "Mercenary," "Vulnerability in chaos," and, "Lemon and Gingersnap casserole." (Don't ask.)

The thing is I guess, is that it's important that we create. It's necessary. Yeah, it might not go anywhere. My words are trapped in this computer of mine, and my sister jokes that most of her songs go under her bed. But we still made it, and that's what matters. We still gave it life - we still tried.

There are a lot of other things to do with our time. I'm learning that doing what I love is better than doing what I love doing. 

photo

Happy Hallo-over

I love Halloween day, because it means this season is almost over. If there were a Scrooge for Halloween, it would be me. I don't like the scary movies, creepy decorations, or cheap candy. I didn't even really like it as a kid. Something about trick or treating when it's snowing in Utah does that to you. (Sorry for all of you who love it.)

Let's make way for the real holidays starting tomorrow.

P.s. this is as dressed up as we get. The biggest pay-off of the night was realizing that Kevin actually looks great with gray hair. 

two pictures

After going through my wedding photos again,  I've decided these are my new favorite. No one ever tells you that when you get married there will be so much love in combining two families. 

most right

"We are not oysters or abalones, existing in shells—even though that is how we may feel when we become self-involved. We are members one of another, connected to each other, and especially to God, by spiritual sensitivities and obligations profound as eternity. And just for that reason, we become most ourselves when we are most true to God and to one another. We become most right with ourselves when we are most right with them."
                             
- C. Terry Warner

Please listen or read here. Exceptional words. 

favorite things lately

Kevin always says that when I love something, I love it until I wear it out. That happens with a lot of things - food, clothes, movies, books, friends (just kidding about that one.) Since I am going through some major phases right now, I thought I'd share some of the things that I am kind of into right now.

1. Pesto. My sister Lacey got me hooked on this stuff, and lately I've made about two batches a week. I put it on everything - pizza, toast, pasta. My favorite is just with regular pasta and some raw parmesan cheese - not melted. This recipe is my favorite. I usually do a blend of spinach/arugula since that is all my grocery store carries and it turns out great. 

2. The Mindy Project. You all already knew I had a girl crush on her, but I was a little skeptical about her show from the previews. Now I look forward to a new episode every week. It is freaking hilarious. Please watch. (Also I am into Ben and Kate, New Girl, and almost every other show on tv. I have so much time alone that it's kind of become my "family". Orwell was right on that one.)

3. I don't just watch television, contrary to popular belief. Lately I have been into a really non-characteristic genre; Marriage books. Some recent reads: The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage, Committed, (more to come on this good one) and some interesting articles my SIL Julie (marriage family therapy master's student) has sent my way. People have been asking me if my marriage is in trouble from my recent reads, but to be honest - I think they are fascinating! I'm learning a lot. Also, our marriage is not "in trouble". Sheesh. 

4. Hot tubbing. It's the perfect temperature at night for hot tubbing in AZ. The pool is a little too cold, and the hot tub is too hot for the day. As gross as it may sound, me and my new friends in Arizona have spent hours the past few weeks in the hot tub past 9 pm. I've really learned to love that thing, and the star gazing with the open Arizona skies is the best. 

5. Classical music. So boring I know, but Kevin loves it which I think is adorable, and while I have always loved it, I never listened to it. I think it's because I grew up playing it for hours a day. Now that I don't practice like I used to, it's been fun to reacquaint myself. 

After re-reading this post, I think it could be submitted in its entirety to Stuff White People Like. But this is the kind of thing I enjoy reading about and, since my phases change quickly, I thought it might be fun to document them. 

Do you live in phases? What are your favorite things right now?

P.S. my all-time favorite thing is dry shampoo. What began as a phase has become a deep-rooted commitment to that stuff. I will never abandon it.