This week in Lake Powell I slept under the stars until the sun came up, all alone with my thoughts an entire night. I tried sleeping, but it never came so I finally surrendered to the night and let my mind roam.
Shooting stars were always a novelty before that night. I watched shooting stars with friends, and felt like I had to share my wishes with whoever spotted the star first. But that night I had so many to myself that I ran out of wishes and began wishing for the same things again, because the wishes were so big that I felt like they may take multiple wishes. Before my wishes have always been more like desperate hopes, so I turned the hope into a form of prayer and blended the two, making wish/prayers that I know were heard.
If you stare at the stars long enough, you see that they are layered. I think I have only really ever brushed the surface but they stretch so much deeper and behind each star is another one, and another one and their infinity was overwhelming. I lay there and made wishes until the sun came up and the stars disappeared, and then I finally fell asleep.
I don’t know why I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that night under the stars since. No profound thoughts were had, no brilliant ideas. But I did feel closer to God than I have in a long time, and I did feel like it was important for me to keep watching them, so I did.
I guess I forget sometimes how close we can feel to heaven.