2.16.2011

Girl in the Glass

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One night in high school I came home late and stared a myself in the mirror for a long time. It was as though I had lost touch with who I was. I wanted to feel connected with the girl in the glass. I wanted to feel like she and I were on the same page. Looking back, I realize that I was missing something. I felt hollow inside, like my actions and my body were two separate entities.

I don't remember what happened that night, or what it was that drew me to the mirror. I just remember my eye contact with myself. I remember feeling like I could never live with myself if I cheated her. That I was responsible for her well being. For my well being. It was at that moment that I decided I wanted to always be a good person. That I wanted to always feel confident about my decisions, about the path I was headed, about the woman I could become if I was brave enough to be her.

And so I made changes. I prioritized. I decided that I couldn't cheat myself, because even if no one ever found out, I would still know.

That night in the mirror changed me forever. And even though I don't often think of that experience, sometimes when I feel disconnected, or hollow, or any sort of empty inside, coming back to that night in the mirror always helps. It's as if I looked at myself that night and recognized, "I know you."

"The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins."
- Bob Moawad

quote found here. photo unknown.

12 comments:

Lauren's blog said...

This post makes me want to sit and reflect on my life for a moment. Thanks for sharing this :)

kara lynn said...

i know exactly what you mean by this. i think the very same thing to often in the mirror when i am trying to connect and feel the person i see.

Julie Carol Standley said...

I really love your blog. it makes me think. thanks for sharing!

Annie said...

I understand this feeling, too. Although, it had happened with me more than once. :)

Ana* said...

I know the feeling, it wasn't too long ago that I took possession of my life and my decisions and let me tell you, that event changed everything.

Lizzy said...

Love it Mands. Its crazy how much we have changed since high school, but at the same time kind of stayed the same. Life is just a continual growth process!

Mallory Camille said...

Loved this entry Mandy. I've been thinking about self mastery a lot lately. And how one of my greatest desires is to be completely in control of myself and my reactions to this life.
I love when you write about taking care of yourself and being true to who you are, it's something women need to hear and apply. It's so easy to get confused and forget what's important.
Thanks girl!

Jane Garner said...

i absolutely love your blog. i always read it! but this post of yours reminds me of this poem that my sorority always uses, I don't know who the author is.

When you get what you want
In your struggle for self
And the world makes you queen for a day,
Go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that girl has to say.

For it isn't your father
Or mother or man
Whose Judgements on you must pass
The person whose verdict counts most in life
Is the girl staring back in the glass

She's the one to please
Never mind all the rest,
For she's with you clear to the end.
And you've past your most difficult and dangerous test
If that girl in the glass is your friend.

You can fool all the world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But, your final reward
Will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated that girl in the glass

Shalyn said...

You write so beautifully, Mandy! This definitely got me thinking and I think an appointment with my mirror is in order! Have a great Friday!

andy & lo said...

that so funny.
i told andy i only wanted a love note too :)
he delivered.
i feel like valentine's day is way overdone, it's just a day to love each other a little more.
not buy more flowers for $80. ha.
let's be real, i'd rather have jeans!

and i love this post.
i feel like i have done this too sometimes,
although i find myself reflecting about what i would think of myself now if i saw myself now through my 7 (or whatever other age) year old eyes.

Diana Smith said...

Very interesting post...I sometimes do this and look at myself. I looked at myself the other day and thought, wow since when am I married, since when am I in college, since when I am a mom?? Time just flies and its amazing how different we are, but the same person, hope that makes sense!

Brittany said...

"I decided that I couldn't cheat myself, because even if no one ever found out, I would still know."

I love that. Living for yourself, above all. I can't believe you had that moment of clarity in high school--I wish I'd have been more like that. And I wish we'd been better friends in high school!

Loving catching up on your blog!