Right now I work from 9-5, I teach from 5:30-9:00 two nights a week, and when I am not doing that, I am working on freelance writing projects or using those precious hours to relax with my husband, cook for pleasure (read: bake sugary treats) and read. I think that this schedule suits me because I am very busy, I feel a great sense of fulfillment at the end of the day - - and I contribute to my life and the lives of others. Still, I think about other things.
I see other people (including my husband) prepare for graduate education. My friends are going to medical school too, or law school, or graduate school - chasing the dreams they have always had. Other friends are having babies, or going on missions, or moving across the country for new jobs or schools or marriages. I wonder if maybe my education is not finished - I want desperately for it not to be finished, but I feel no need to become a lawyer or doctor or professor like I once thought I would. I feel no need to have kids yet. I feel no itch to move across the country.
I think it is easy to lose ourselves in school and work and ambition - because to be ambitious is to be fulfilled, right? To become something - to have that title is drastically important at this time in my circle. I am not saying this higher education is not important because it is terribly important. I just want it to feel important for the right reasons. To live a simple life with the ones you love doesn't seem to be enough. We are always in such a hurry to get somewhere, to become something - and my husband and I are as guilty of that as anyone.
So for now for those who are constantly asking, my plan is on not becoming anything. (but becoming everything at the same time.) I may never have a title in front of my name and pray my title never reads, "Doctor and Mrs. Voisin." I do not want to be the addendum to my husband's life and accomplishments. I do not want to ever be labeled as a "Housewife". I want to further my education whatever that means to me, and I want to be a mother someday but not yet and I want people to stop asking me when.
I want sheer happiness to be enough. I want my inspiration to come from simplicity. I want an honest life - not in the way that I am honest with others because I always try to be, but I just really want to be honest with my own ambition.
I want to be honest with myself about this life.