1.05.2012

crossing paths

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Something about Kevin as a child kills me. People sometimes ask if we grew up together and I quickly say, "Oh no," as if there is something wrong with that. I wanted to branch out - out of my town and high school and I wanted someone to fall in love with the me that is now, and not the me that was then. Kevin and I met in New Hampshire - a new place for us both, a fresh country that was as green as the trees we sat under, a place that was untouched. I loved our beginning.

But then sometimes I wish I could have known Kevin longer. That he could have sat next to me in grade school, and pass me notes. That I could shake my head at his messy coloring job, and move my arm so he could see mine, and learn how it should be done.

I wish we could have danced in junior high together, amid my awkwardness and braces - his 9th grade status making him much cooler.

I wish I could have watched him play basketball in high school. I wish he could have hugged me when it was over, and we could go get ice cream and burgers with our friends and he could drive me home and walk me to the door the way he always does and kiss me on the mouth with my sisters peeking through the window.

I wish we could have written the two years he was in Argentina, because I feel like he maybe needed me then and I always wanted to fall in love over letters and far away words and distance. 

Part of me believes we must have crossed paths at some point. Some grocery store, or carnival, or street where we maybe looked twice at each other, and moved on not realizing we would meet again.

A lot of times I live in the future, but sometimes I let myself live in the non-existent past. I think more than anything it is the desire that he could have been a part of my life much longer. I think of the times I needed him and he wasn't there, or even more - the times when he needed me. Some of us maybe need the fresh place but when I see old pictures of him, or I think about something hard we went through alone, I wish we had each other longer.

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13 comments:

Kari said...

Um, this is basically the cutest thing ever. I adore these thoughts. You are brilliant.

Kelsie said...

I like this so much. I think I'm back and forth - sometimes I wish I could have fallen in love later in life, because growing up together is hard - but it's also really special, too. Both are win/win I suppose because either way you end up together :)

One day (mark my words!) we willll reunite over curry and scattergories! We will we will we will!

Ashley said...

Once again, you take the exact thoughts out of my head and put them into a better explaination than I could have ever come up with.

There is this picture of my husband, maybe 4 years old, and I cried the first time I saw it. For some reason it overwhelmed me with emotion; that I would never get to meet that adorable little boy, smiling in the picture, who would someday become my husband.

Bridgette Wensel said...

This is beautiful and I couldn't agree more with this. My hubby and I actually lived 5 minutes from each other when we were little. It's crazy to think we could have crossed paths.

Emily Meyerhoffer said...

I think about this all of the time, too. I think about how much nonsense could have been spared if only I would have had Colton in my life sooner. But-- I guess what is important is that I have him now and for the rest of forever!

Have a good weekend Mandy!

annie said...

what beautiful, precious thoughts. i, too, have had moments where i wonder: what if? i wish i could even just be a fly on the wall for those very early days, back when my husband was just a friend whose company i enjoyed. i want to know: were the sparks there even then? maybe it's more magical not to know.

Amanda said...

I think some of these same thoughts, too! I even tell Chad -- Honey, I wish we went to high school together. I wish I could have been at your 8th birthday party. :)

Ana Magdalena said...

This is such a beautiful post. It reminded me of the Time Traveler's Wife... and how he traveled through time to meet his future wife.

Jacqui du Toit said...

It's as if you have captured a part of my soul that I did not have the words to express and so eloquently popped them right before me, like a bouquet of flowers. So simple, yet beautiful and intricate. Thank you for the inspiration and reminding me of the romance :) (Agreed with comment about Time travellers wife, reminded me of that too) You have a wonderful gift.

Jessica Wray said...

I've often had the thought of wanting to move away and have someone fall in love with the me now rather than the "me that was then", like you said. To the contrary my boyfriend and I have no each other since we were 14, we went to high school together, shared a mutual group of friends and fell in love our senior year and have been together ever since. Even though there are a lot of great things that come with growing up together, I think there is something to be said about learning about someone's past from their stories alone.

Becca said...

i’ve always thought that about my husband but never knew how to put in words how it would have been if we knew each other way back when. this was perfect, thank you.

Kaitlin Marie Photography said...

I read this once and then proceeded to read it out loud to all of my roommates. I think it gets better every time. Thank you for sharing and for your honesty :) I love every post.

kate said...

This is beautiful. Landon and I aren't from the same place, but we actually did cross paths once! I was 14 and he was 17 and I remember thinking "what if I married him?" Isn't that funny?

Landon always says if we'd known each other in HS we wouldn't have liked each other... so maybe it's best we didn't.