11.07.2011

goodbyes

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Love fails me sometimes. And not love maybe, but the word love. It is not enough to say, "I love you," because that doesn't describe this physical ache you feel. It is the same feeling as heartbreak really, and is suffocatingly delicious and terrible at the same time, and that is love.

I have a goodbye to make in a week, and it feels like the biggest goodbye I have ever made. My sister is leaving for 18 months, and although I should feel happy for her I am constantly weeping anytime I even think about it. In the grocery store, on every drive home - chopping vegetables for dinner.

I flew to Arizona for the weekend and seeing all of the reuniting and goodbyes at the airports made me cry even harder. For seeming so small at times, this world is a little too big for me. I wish I could be a mother hen, gathering everyone I love under my wings and keeping them there and that is what I would like to do because it would make this love containable and safe.

I am not good at doing hard things. I am not good at goodbyes. I am not good at saying I love you in the way it begs to be said. I am not.

9 comments:

Laura said...

I just said the same goodbye to Seth. It is a heart wrenching goodbye--almost unbearable. But its only 18 months. And for what better cause could they be leaving us?

Michelle said...

What a beautiful description of how it feels to say goodbye. I remember flying to California years ago, seeing my boyfriend waving to me from the large airport window as I sat in my seat waiting for take off. In that moment I knew our goodbye was more permanent than I had realized when I said it, and my heart about leaped out of my chest and ran back to him for one more moment of comfort and familiarity. Love is such a beautiful and painful thing. I am so glad I get to experience it.

Ana Magdalena said...

Thinking about future reunions make goodbyes so much easier. I am sure your sister will have amazing stories to share when she comes back.

Melissa said...

I know...when I think of Harrison leaving someday, my eyes always well up. I wish everyone could be together.

Rachael said...

It is so hard to say goodbye! But Jessica will be amazing!

Jessica said...

Hey, no tears yet. It'll be hard enough for me, you're making it worse. But I love you.

Danielle and Trev said...

Oh goodbyes. Just did that for my brother in law. Just found your blog. Following now! And hang in there!

the {Postscript} blog said...

That is so hard, felt that when my best friend left for her 18month. Hang in there, you can do it :)
-Monica

Brittany said...

It is the hardest--saying goodbye to my brother before his mission was so much harder than I ever thought. But. It's so fun to be proud of them and so wonderful when they come back to you.

It'll stink for a few weeks, but it gets better.

AND I have a friend who was also called to the Baltic Mission! She enters the MTC in February.