We went to Arizona last weekend. It was an equal experience of love and depression. We loved the place, the apartment we found (pictured above), the warmth (I'm certain we will be singing a different tune come August.) We didn't love the meeting we had with the financial aid counselor, or the long drive, or the frustrations and fears we let seep in.
Friends have told me that I am being dramatic about this experience. I know they might be right, but I don't want to fake enthusiasm. The last thing I want to be is phony, and it is hard for me and it does scare me and I don't feel ready to leave this life I love here.
My parents moved to Japan 23 years ago with three little girls (me, at ten days old.) My dad managed the Sheraton in Tokyo Bay and worked crazy hours. My mom didn't speak the language, had no friends, and often wondered what she was doing there. She felt alone a lot, I know that.
I think about how brave she was - how brave they both were to do that. I think of how blessed I am - to have a husband who is not only smart and ambitious, but also very kind and humble. I think of the blessing of being able to keep my job, I think of the beauty of the new space we will live in, I think of my best friend Lizzie being just 25 minutes away, I think of the opportunities that life grants you when you work for them.
I think that it is okay to not enter everything you do with feigned enthusiasm. I wish we could talk about our fears a little more openly, because I have found that when I voice mine, I see how small they are in comparison to the love that blares at me every minute I am alive on this earth.
9 comments:
You are right, of course. I don't read blogs that fake enthusiasm. But I do read yours :)
You're right. I think life is really wonderful and so full of love, but I also think a lot of is is horrifying and miserable (dramatic ha). I'm glad when I read that other people feel that way too.
I've been thinking and writing about this on my own blog, but it's all remained in the archives. We shall see...
i was just thinking about this early. how i was afraid of ranting and saying things that are too personal because i thought no one would care...
I love this Mands. I know exactly what you mean because my fears about moving to Phoenix are just about equal to my excitement to finally be with Brock. I'm just glad we'll be there going through all that heat together :) We'll make it fun.
You are RIGHT. I get so eager to fix things (my own emotions )as quickly as I can, as to feel optimistic and happy. Going through some of the things my family has dealt with this past year I have realized more than ever, that some things don't need to be fixed so quickly, some things need to be played out, felt out, dealt with in their own way and in their own time. It's tricky when people don't see that and think you should just "get an attitude adjustment". You do you. You feel you. You know? :)
My friend recently posted this on her blog, and I love it.
"Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh’ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all – look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love." -Zooey D
p.s. I feel like my comments are always so long and sometimes probably not really applicable to your posts, but I feel like reading your blog (then commenting) is kind of like therapy. You say so many things I can't put into words until after I read yours.
Hi sweet lady! I found your blog via .turning pages. and am SO GLAD that I did! I'm your newest follower! xoxo
Just found your blog a few weeks ago and love it!
This absolutely resonated with me. Moving is brave. And tough. When I moved last year I think I feigned a lot of enthusiasm because I didn't know what else to do. And part of me wishes that I hadn't.
And I think that applies to so much more than moving too...there is so much feigned enthusiasm in life among friends and family and coworkers, and it drives me crazy. I am all for honesty! It makes such a difference in the depth of relationships.
cute blog! about a year ago my husband and i took our family to colorado for school. it was a very big experience and everything seemed to go right and wrong. now a year later-after school it seems like things are much easier being poor college students. somehow it all finds its way to be happy and healthy in the most unfortunate circumstances. we are back in az and so happy to be here but its already over 100! good luck with your family adventures!
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