apartment sneak peek

This is mostly for my mom - just a little sneak peek of my apartment in Arizona. It is coming together a lot slower than I wish it was, but here's at least one little corner of the place that is close to being done.

Does anyone know of a good resource for dining chairs? Let's just say it is only cool for so long to have "picnics" when people come over for dinner.

two years

Two years of marriage is not very long in the grand scheme of things, especially when you believe in eternity with the one you love which is so vast and so cosmic that I just focus on one year - even one day at a time. But two years in the life of a twenty-three year old girl is a lot. And two years ago today I married Kevin, a decision I made because I loved him. Or love him, rather.

I wasn't sure what I was doing back then with my life. I was considering more school, a mission - travel. But then I met him and he was this vibrant, life-giver. He was unlike anyone else. And I knew from the second we met that he is what I wanted in my future. We didn't know about money or jobs or school. We hadn't thought about children or a home. We just thought that maybe, since we liked each other so much we could do this.

And we were right. Years ago, when I dreamt of being married I didn't think so much about his looks or his career. I didn't care much about his family or his singing voice or his cooking skills. I just thought so deeply in my heart that all I really wanted was to be happy. 

We may not do things the way everyone else does, Kev. But we love each other, and you have made me feel more loved than I ever imagined. 

Happy Anniversary Lover-boy.

tears

I hadn't cried once since we moved here, which is a bit of an accomplishment since tears come as easily to me as a small child. And not a brave small child either. 

I cried when my family moved to Connecticut. I sobbed into my pillow at night, trying not to wake up my roommate who tossed and turned in the bed next to me, her sighs and rustles telling me she was awake too. I cried when I moved to Connecticut myself, because there is always someone to miss, no matter where you are. You never realize that everyone you love is around you when they are, which seems to be an unfair trick life plays on us. 

I cried in Hawaii most nights. I missed Kevin, and the familiar home I left behind. I missed the safety net I left, but mostly I missed Kevin.

So when I made it two full weeks without crying here, it felt like such a triumph. I bragged about it to my sisters and my mom, and they congratulated me, knowing that it is hard to do this. It is hard to pack up your life and assume a new one so quickly. It is hard to try to incorporate your new life into lives of others who have deeper roots. 

But it finally happened tonight. I went to visit a new friend who lives downstairs and just had a baby. Her house was bustling - her mother, her in-laws, husband and son all there, moving in and out of the apartment like it was nothing. Other friends were there too, congratulating her, chatting with me - with each other. It smelled like dinner and the light was that warm, familiar dim and the loud overwhelmed me in the best way.

When it was time to go I walked up the stairs, the floor of my apartment just mere inches from where her ceiling began. It was dark and quiet and Kevin was still at the library where he has been every night until dark this week. I sunk against the door after locking it and cried.

And you know, it wasn't the best cry I've had, but when I finished I still felt better. The cry was rooted in loneliness and newness but mostly I cried because it was so quiet I needed something - some sound to fill the empty air. When I was done I laughed at myself, and I made a sandwich and I ate it outside on the stoop where I heard babies crying and birds whistling at each other and I let the heat seep into my skin and I decided I would be okay. 

image via 

elsewhere

I've received a couple emails lately from readers wondering why I stopped blogging so frequently. To be honest, I am not sure why. I am sort of overwhelmed as it is with work and my family and when I do have free time I work on different writing projects. It's not that I don't like writing here, I have just started redirecting a lot of my creative efforts elsewhere. That being said, I will try to blog more often, because I love this space of mine. Thanks to those of you who have reached out. You are so kind.

Today I'm over on Inspiration and Rough Drafts. Melissa has a really beautiful series going on over there, so check it out here if you have some time.

Here are a few other inspiring posts I've stumbled across recently that you might like. There is so much beauty on the www. I feel lucky to be a part of it. 

Brittany's thoughts on light.

Kristen's heartwarming love story.

Elizabeth's jaw dropping talk on motherhood.

Oh and my friend Katie dances and... these photos of her dancing are incredible. As inspiring as any words, I'd say. See them here. 

Thanks for being so cool.

orientation

Kevin started medical school today. Well, orientation I guess, which is the same thing in my book. He is there all day for the rest of the week and classes begin on Monday. He packed his backpack and I wanted to cry almost. Like it was my six year old going away to Kindergarten and I worried if he would make friends and I wanted to pack him a lunch but instead I kissed his cheek goodbye and waited for him to text me. It broke my heart a little bit to see him leave.


I've been thinking about us a lot lately with this impending journey ahead of us. Everyone says I won't see very much of him from here on out.  No more spending all day together, no more eating all three meals just us and chatting until late at night, like two girls at a sleepover and making ourselves turn over to fall asleep not because we ran out of things to say but because there is so much left it will need to be saved for tomorrow. 


I really don't feel sad about it, even though people keep asking me if I am. I'm not worried about our future and I'm not worried about finances or missing him or having to do some things alone. Instead, all I feel is so incomprehensibly proud. Like, rays of proud are beaming off of my body. Not just because of the fact that it is medical school but because of the hours of commitment that brought him here and the hours that will carry him through to the end. There's really something beautiful about witnessing someone you love make their dreams happen. 


photo via. i am dying to get some of her artwork.

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

I just finished Mindy Kaling's, "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)" and I thought it was fabulous. Much better than Tina Fey's "Bossy Pants" if you ask me. I guess I just related better to it, and I thought she wasn't trying so hard to be funny. Really though, I already loved Mindy from The Office and her tweets, but now I am her biggest fan. She is such a real person. I swear we would be best friends in real life.

Anyway, she did this one essay that I loved because it is so true. I have a lot of married friends. In fact, the majority of my friends are married. And yeah it is hard sometimes, but what Mindy says is so good I have to let her say it. Enjoy you guys. And if you haven't read it yet - it is so worth the read.

C'MON, MARRIED PEOPLE:


I don't want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting, or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame, or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad and if either watches it without the other, they're dead meat. I want to see you guys high-five each other like teammates on a recreational softball game you both do for fun. I want to hear about it because I know it's possible, and because I want it for myself.


I guess I think happiness can come in a bunch of forms, and maybe a marriage with tons of work makes people feel happy. But part of me still thinks... is it really so hard to make it work? What happened to being pals? I'm not complaining about Romance Being Dead - I've just described a happy marriage as based on talking about plants and a canceled Ray Romano show and drinking milkshakes: not exactly rose petals and gazing into each other's eyes at the top of the Empire State Building or whatever. I'm pretty sure my parents have gazed into each other's eyes maybe once, and that was so my mom could put eyedrops in my dad's eyes. And I'm not saying that marriage should always be easy. But we get so gloomily worked up about it these days. In the Shakesperean comedies, the wedding is the end, and there isn't much indication of what happily ever after will look like day to day. In real life, shouldn't a wedding be an awesome party you throw with your great pal, in the presence of a bunch of your other friends? A great day, for sure, but not the beginning and certainly not the end of a friendship with a person you can't wait to talk about gardening with for the next forty years.


Maybe the point is that any marriage is work, but you may as well pick work that you like. Writing this book is work, but it's fun work, and I picked it and I enjoy doing it with you, Reader. It's my job, and it's a job I like. Tim, (friend who complains about marriage) on the other hand, had chosen a very tough and kind of bad-sounding job, like being the guy who scrapes barnacles off the pylons of an oil rig in the frigid Arctic Sea.


Married people, it's up to you. It's entirely on your shoulders to keep this sinking institution afloat. It's a stately old ship, and a lot of people, like me, want to get on board. Please be psyched and convey that psychedness to us. And always remember: so many, many people are envious of what you have. You're the star at the end of the Shakesperean play, wearing the wreath of flowers in your hair. The rest of us are just the little side characters.

arizona residents

The good news is, we made it to Arizona. The bad news is that it is like 105 in the shade here. Still, as much as I hate to be happy about this move since I've spent the last six months verbally dreading it, I kind of love it here already. It might be that our apartment actually has a decent layout and with the sun streaming through all day, I automatically feel happier. It might be because Kevin and I haven't spent much time alone the past few months with my travels and our living situation. Or it might be because this change feels like exactly what I need to feel inspired and creative again.


But in all honesty it's probably just the amazing Mexican food.


I love you already Arizona. Thanks for letting us stay. 

not yet

"Our hearts are not pure:

our hearts are filled with need

and greed as much as with love and grace,

and we wrestle with our hearts all the time.

The wrestling is who we are.

How we wrestle is who we are.

What we want to be is never what we are.

Not yet. Maybe that's why we have these

relentless engines in our chests, driving us

forward

toward what we might be."

- Brian Doyle, Orion

photo via

on why i got married young - and also ambition and babies

"To love another is something
like prayer and can't be planned, you just fall
into its arms because your belief undoes your disbelief.” 

                                                               - Anne Sexton

Since I have been outside of Utah, (ahem) traveling so much in June, a lot of questions have arisen from colleagues of mine. The biggest of which is, "Why did you get married so young?"

It's true that I did. I was 21 and he was 23, the same age I am now, and even at 23 I don't feel any more ready to get married than I did at 21 but I am married, which is strange and still feels surreal. I am married. I am a wife. I have a husband. 

I am never quite sure how to answer that question. "Why not?" is the response that comes to mind first, since many of my friends were also married, and also, it seemed like it was the thing to do. We get married. He finishes school. We move away so he can attend more school. We have babies. I start seeing a therapist because we can afford it and also, I drive a hatchback Lexus. Textbook. 

But that wasn't the honest truth for me. It wasn't a matter of "Why not?" It was more a matter of love, which people don't seem to think is a satisfactory answer. We didn't have to get married. We were never pressured, we didn't do it out of obligation, or tradition or mere curiosity - we did it because we relied on a feeling and trusted each other to make a commitment and decided our lives would be better shared. (Right Kev? :)

What I neglect to tell them however, is that getting married was the best thing I ever did for myself. Not just because of Kevin, (although his love and guacamole-making skills have a lot to do with it,) but because of how it has changed me. Allow me to explain. 

Before Kevin, well actually, before marriage - my attention and thoughts and feelings were centered almost entirely around boys. From around 6th grade on, I dressed for boys, I attended parties for boys, I thought about and dreamt about and agonized about boys. There was no time to think about what I might want. It was all about what they wanted. What I could do to get them to notice me, to desire me - why he would break my heart, who asked for my number, who asked me out. I didn't give myself five minutes to sit down and think about me - what I wanted, what I could be with or without a man. That was never an option. In my future I saw a husband and babies. Lots of them. 

But about six weeks after being married to Kev, something strange occurred. I started thinking about other things. (Read: not boys.) I thought about traveling, and entrepreneur opportunities and freelancing. I wanted so deeply to return to school and pursue a higher degree. I focused on my job, and realized that I actually like working, and surprisingly (to myself) I am pretty good at it. I recognized my innate, deep desire to write and started the book I should have started years before.

Marriage made me realize that I had so many misconceptions about how a wife and ultimately a woman should be. Being married allowed me to stop thinking about boys and start thinking about everything else that I wanted. I already landed the best man for me, and somehow that was what I needed to move on and become someone I could be proud of instead of a love-sick wimp. I didn't think about cooking dinner the way I thought I would as a wife, and I didn't feel bad about not doing it like I thought I would either. I didn't feel guilty when the laundry piled up. I also didn't think about him every minute like I thought I might. And I didn't feel like a bad wife by not doing those things, because he didn't make me feel bad about them. But he did encourage my ideas, and aspirations in a way that no other boyfriend ever had. 

Don't get me wrong - I still want babies - a house full. But I still let the laundry pile up, and neglect to cook and things might not change any time soon and that's okay. We all do this marriage thing the way that it works for us, and it might be harder for some than others and that's okay too. It might take longer for some and it might not come at all, but what I do know is that as a society we have got to put less pressure on girls to find a man. We have got to teach our daughters that you can be alone and still thrive, but that you can be married and thrive too. That you can break out of the stereotypes we sometimes accidentally place on each other. I'm not here to say that marriage isn't important because it is the best thing and I wish it for everyone. I want to sprinkle marriage confetti around the world like a flower girl because I love it that much. I just wish it hadn't taken a marriage for me to realize that I can have exactly what I want. I don't want other girls to make my same mistakes. I wish I knew myself and trusted myself more before it. But most of all I am just grateful that it happened at all. That it gave me confidence and ambition that I didn't have before. 

Things happen differently for all of us, and maybe your experience with marriage is not the same. Maybe you think that I should have waited longer to figure this out on my own, or that I didn't need a man all along, and maybe you would be right. But for me, it was almost necessary. I got married young, and I wouldn't change a thing. 

So there's my real answer - you colleagues out there who feel the need to ask why I married young. I did it for love. And I am not limited because of it. Instead, these past two years have been the most empowering of my life. (And also the most delicious. Mostly because his guacamole is insane.) 

the day my mountain burned

they told us to leave quickly and we took everything we could, leaving everything else behind. i thought i would care more about my things, but i didn't.  

we breathed heavy, thick, smoky air and walked a few blocks down the hill to a place that was deemed safer.

then we sat on the grass and watched our mountain burn. 

read more here. 

new place

Even though I haven't been exactly thrilled about moving to Arizona, (but I am getting more excited as it gets closer,) one thing I am so excited for is decorating a new apartment. I felt like our last home wasn't really permanent so I was slow to decorate which was a big mistake. My goal for the next 10 years or so is to treat every place we live like it is our last. To decorate quickly, and not even think about packing everything up. We have a lot of moves in front of us with school, rotations, residency, fellowship, etc. so this is going to become important to me.


Another thing is, that I will be working from home. If I'm home all day everyday, I have got to love the place I'm living in. Even though we will be on the tightest budget possible, I think the challenge will be fun.


Here are a few inspiration images for our new place. They are all over the place, and we won't be able to paint at all, so hopefully it all comes together!

p.s. we are still trying to sell some of our current furniture, that either won't fit there or we aren't able to take. We have gone way down on the prices from what we bought them for. See them here, and email me if you are interested!

Lizzie's wedding

My bff Lizzie got married last weekend in the Salt Lake Temple. It was such a beautiful, perfect day. She glowed all day long, beaming from happiness. 


It is fun to see such a good friend get married, especially when you grew up together like we did. When we were in fifth grade, we built a fort in the forest behind my house and when we were in junior high we followed our friends to the movies and threw popcorn at them because they were sitting with boys. We went to endless concerts in high school, and witnessed each other's terrible (okay mine were terrible) boyfriends and crushes and broken hearts. We lived together our freshman year of college, and shared clothes and towels and secrets. Together we have camped under the stars, swam in the beaches of Rhode Island, road-tripped, eaten pizza in Boston, and spent countless evenings chatting with popcorn and jelly bellies in hand.


When I first met Brock, I knew they would be together for a long time. They really seem to have been made for each other. Really, it's not just two people who decided to be together and make it work - they are so similar, and so good at taking care of one another.


I was emotional most of the day out of happiness. I know the feeling of love and support and encouragement that can only come from being with someone who loves you enough. Marriage isn't perfect, and sometimes it is frustrating and difficult, but it is also complete and kind and safe in the very best way.


We're so glad Liz and Brock found each other - and so happy that we will all be together in Arizona. (We move in three weeks!?)


Congratulations you little love birds. p.s. forgive the lack of pictures. Instagram is where it's at these days - (my username is @mvoisin if you want to follow along.)


p.p.s - how beautiful are my friends? We have all been through a lot together and I love them so much. 

The Night Circus

“I made a wish on this tree years ago," Marco says.
"What did you wish for?" Bailey asks.
Marco leans forward and whispers in Bailey's ear. "I wished for her."

The Night Circus was my Lake Powell read. Kevin complained when we got home that all I did was read all week, which was true. I couldn't put this book down.

My sisters recommended it to me, and I can see why. It was the most original piece of fiction I have read in a really long time. From beginning to end, it was absolutely magical. Truly, it transports you to a new world with believable characters, and magic that doesn't seem contrived.

The thing I loved the most about it though, was the sensory descriptions. I could taste the cinnamon flavored scones, the perfectly melted caramel apples that were neither hard or soft. The swirling cups of rich, hot chocolate. The wardrobe was described perfectly without getting annoying, and the circus itself sounded like the very best kind of dream. My sisters and I gushed about how badly we wanted to attend the circus after I finished. I don't know how Erin Morgenstern covered every detail so well without going overboard, but she totally did.

The story line itself was complicated and twisting, with complex characters and multiple story lines. At times I wondered where it was going, but it always came around in an unexpected and charming way. The main story line had a Romeo and Juliet feel but we all agreed that it wasn't overdone. Instead, the love story was diluted with other pieces of the story, making it feel less mushy and more romantic.

I do wish that there was a little more closure at the end, and that more explanation of how the magic works was given. But - at the same time, I think that is part of what made it so magical. The secret of it, and the mystery even to those who performed it.

Please read it. It is a great summer time read and the magic is almost tangible. Well done from beginning to end. 

Have you read The Night Circus? What did you think?

“But you built me dreams instead.” 

starry night

This week in Lake Powell I slept under the stars until the sun came up, all alone with my thoughts an entire night. I tried sleeping, but it never came so I finally surrendered to the night and let my mind roam.

Shooting stars were always a novelty before that night. I watched shooting stars with friends, and felt like I had to share my wishes with whoever spotted the star first. But that night I had so many to myself that I ran out of wishes and began wishing for the same things again, because the wishes were so big that I felt like they may take multiple wishes. Before my wishes have always been more like desperate hopes, so I turned the hope into a form of prayer and blended the two, making wish/prayers that I know were heard.

If you stare at the stars long enough, you see that they are layered. I think I have only really ever brushed the surface but they stretch so much deeper and behind each star is another one, and another one and their infinity was overwhelming. I lay there and made wishes until the sun came up and the stars disappeared, and then I finally fell asleep.

I don’t know why I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that night under the stars since. No profound thoughts were had, no brilliant ideas. But I did feel closer to God than I have in a long time, and I did feel like it was important for me to keep watching them, so I did.

I guess I forget sometimes how close we can feel to heaven.