Happy Hallo-over

I love Halloween day, because it means this season is almost over. If there were a Scrooge for Halloween, it would be me. I don't like the scary movies, creepy decorations, or cheap candy. I didn't even really like it as a kid. Something about trick or treating when it's snowing in Utah does that to you. (Sorry for all of you who love it.)

Let's make way for the real holidays starting tomorrow.

P.s. this is as dressed up as we get. The biggest pay-off of the night was realizing that Kevin actually looks great with gray hair. 

two pictures

After going through my wedding photos again,  I've decided these are my new favorite. No one ever tells you that when you get married there will be so much love in combining two families. 

most right

"We are not oysters or abalones, existing in shells—even though that is how we may feel when we become self-involved. We are members one of another, connected to each other, and especially to God, by spiritual sensitivities and obligations profound as eternity. And just for that reason, we become most ourselves when we are most true to God and to one another. We become most right with ourselves when we are most right with them."
                             
- C. Terry Warner

Please listen or read here. Exceptional words. 

favorite things lately

Kevin always says that when I love something, I love it until I wear it out. That happens with a lot of things - food, clothes, movies, books, friends (just kidding about that one.) Since I am going through some major phases right now, I thought I'd share some of the things that I am kind of into right now.

1. Pesto. My sister Lacey got me hooked on this stuff, and lately I've made about two batches a week. I put it on everything - pizza, toast, pasta. My favorite is just with regular pasta and some raw parmesan cheese - not melted. This recipe is my favorite. I usually do a blend of spinach/arugula since that is all my grocery store carries and it turns out great. 

2. The Mindy Project. You all already knew I had a girl crush on her, but I was a little skeptical about her show from the previews. Now I look forward to a new episode every week. It is freaking hilarious. Please watch. (Also I am into Ben and Kate, New Girl, and almost every other show on tv. I have so much time alone that it's kind of become my "family". Orwell was right on that one.)

3. I don't just watch television, contrary to popular belief. Lately I have been into a really non-characteristic genre; Marriage books. Some recent reads: The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage, Committed, (more to come on this good one) and some interesting articles my SIL Julie (marriage family therapy master's student) has sent my way. People have been asking me if my marriage is in trouble from my recent reads, but to be honest - I think they are fascinating! I'm learning a lot. Also, our marriage is not "in trouble". Sheesh. 

4. Hot tubbing. It's the perfect temperature at night for hot tubbing in AZ. The pool is a little too cold, and the hot tub is too hot for the day. As gross as it may sound, me and my new friends in Arizona have spent hours the past few weeks in the hot tub past 9 pm. I've really learned to love that thing, and the star gazing with the open Arizona skies is the best. 

5. Classical music. So boring I know, but Kevin loves it which I think is adorable, and while I have always loved it, I never listened to it. I think it's because I grew up playing it for hours a day. Now that I don't practice like I used to, it's been fun to reacquaint myself. 

After re-reading this post, I think it could be submitted in its entirety to Stuff White People Like. But this is the kind of thing I enjoy reading about and, since my phases change quickly, I thought it might be fun to document them. 

Do you live in phases? What are your favorite things right now?

P.S. my all-time favorite thing is dry shampoo. What began as a phase has become a deep-rooted commitment to that stuff. I will never abandon it. 

White Coat

Kevin received his white coat on Friday. I had no idea what that ceremony was, or how big of a deal it is until I went to his. A speaker discussed the symbolism of the white coat, and then the student is robed by the Dean's.

It made me a little teary as I saw Kevin get his. So much work has gone into this already, and we still have so, so much more work to go. As overwhelming as it is sometimes, it is awesome to see him so happy and so in love already with his career path.

"Now this is not the end. It is not even the 

beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end

of the beginning."

  

                                     - Winston Churchill

medical school so far

I've had some people ask me how we like it here. How medical school is going, how I'm adjusting to life in Arizona, etc.

In all honesty, there are no complaints here. We love it here - we love the area, we love the people we have met, we love the apartment. Sure there are long days for Kevin and lonely days for me. (We both like to think that ours are harder) but the good days far outweigh the bad.

It's hot, but it's getting nicer and nicer every day. Kevin's brother Brad just came to visit and was complaining about the heat (about 95). Kevin and I laughed so hard. We'll take 95 degrees over 110 any day. Our pool is awesome and we go for moonlight dips when Kevin gets home super late. Those late night swims are the best part of my day.

I've also been lucky to make some awesome friends. I've had Liz from day one which makes me feel so lucky, but there have also been some other girls who have made me feel at home here. We have weekly swim night, volleyball night, girls night, and tv night so (most) of the time I don't even notice that Kevin is gone. 

The worst part is definitely Kevin's time management. He feels pressure to study all the time, even when he gets home at 10:00. Probably a lot of people can relate to this. He feels guilty when he doesn't spend a lot of time with me, but I am slowly learning to be more supportive. We've met so many people here who really want to get into medical school (they are working on master's degrees now.) It's such a blessing to be accepted at all. I'm pretty proud of him for working so hard and I'm really just grateful to be here. (I realize this sounds fake. I promise it's not. I have no problem admitting that things aren't always perfect, but overall we like it here a lot.) 

So there it is, for those who are wondering. We are happy. And we have an air mattress for visitors. Please come see us!

my week

My life these days is a smattering of the ordinary.

The mornings where I wake in the dark, opening the shades to reveal an entire day - just glittering there. Just waiting for me. The yogurt and the rings and the laughs that don't quite echo as much as they reside, waiting listlessly in the air for someone else to hear. Anyone. The questions that we ask each other - each one getting a little bit closer to the one we really want to ask which is always the same. What do you love? It could be a person or a task or the arbitrary but it is, which is what matters. And it is important that we ask.

It is the summer sun that never stops, and the heat that sticks around long after it's gone. A smoke that won't blow. It is the meshing of all of the sweat and work and anguish of the day and the lonely evenings that always end well. It is the impermanence of this world that urges us on. It is the release of the embrace. It is the waves that mean goodbye, instead.

The ordinary love that is just, precisely what we forget we need. 

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marriage and television

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately. It's never what you expect it to be. It's so much better. It's so much worse. It's so much beauty I think that it could kill you if you thought too much about it. It's the most interesting relationship. 

I watch a lot of television these days too (name a show and I probably watch it. not kidding. I'm not proud of it, but I have a lot of nights alone) and I see infidelity on almost every show I watch. (Also, a lot of "coming out of the closet" side stories, but that's a rant for another time.) I'm so bored by it. It's been done too many times and it's really not interesting anymore. Is it too much to want to see a happy marriage? I want to see two people fighting and struggling to make it work. I want to see a husband on business trips who orders room service and calls his wife before bed. I want to see a mom who gets hit on by her neighbor and puts him in his place - (Maybe she could even bust out pepper spray? Or it could be a good time to reveal that she is, in fact, a double agent. Are there any producers reading this?) 

I just don't really believe television. Affairs are messy and sad and I'm not entertained by them. Also, maybe we could find some real love plots that don't involve 30 year old actors pretending to be teenagers. 

Just some Thursday evening thoughts.

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recent reads

Okay For Now - Gary D. Schmidt

“You know, when someone has been crying, something gets left in the air. It's not something you can see or smell, or feel. Or draw. But it's there.

I don't really know how to talk about Schmidt's books. (His other book The Wednesday Wars was another one of my favorites.) So let me just say this; Gary, I will read anything you write. You will probably sob in this book and you will also pee your pants laughing. That's all I can say about it. Schmidt is brilliant. It doesn't feel like you are reading Youth Lit but you are, which is the beauty of it. If I could give six stars I would. 

The Fault in Our Stars - John Green

“Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.” 

I read this because I felt like I just couldn't ignore it anymore. I was seeing it everywhere - in Oprah, Matchbook, etc. It was a cancer book, but it was a good one. Sometimes it was way too dramatic and overwritten, and there is no way two teenagers like that exist. Sorry, but I don't buy it. At the same time though, it really moved me. It was touching and sweet and it made me hold on to the ones I love a little tighter which means it probably worked. 

Sisterhood Everlasting - Ann Brashares

“You just have to let people love you in the way they can” 

I'm a bigger sucker for the Sisterhood series, so when I saw that there was a fifth book coming out based ten years after the rest I was ecstatic. Reading a new one was amazing, since I have such deep emotions for the other four, but I consider this the weakest of the series. It bothered me that the characters hadn't changed more in ten years. However, there were some pretty special parts and with all of the books, the collections of quotes makes it worth the read. 

The Hero and the Crown - Robin McKinley

“If you try to breathe water, you will not turn into a fish, you will drown; but water is still good to drink.” 

This old school fantasy novel is one of my sister Jessica's favorites, so I decided to re-read it. It was different than I remembered - slower, more wordy. But I still think McKinley did a great job with the story line. She really trusts her readers. Instead of giving them too much information she has faith that they'll keep up with her. I think that there is a lot of power in that. If you are really into fantasy, you've probably already read this but if you are considering entering into the genre, it's a good start. The sequel The Blue Sword is excellent as well.

I'm also halfway through Ann Patchett's State of Wonder, and Tea Obreht's The Tiger's Wife. 

I really miss my book club girls. They read Possession, which I'm excited to start, for those of you who still want to follow along.

So I'm kind of into YAF if you can't tell. What would you guys recommend? Which books am I missing?

forgiveness

I went to this ballet once, on a date. "The Prodigal Son." It was short, but it was one of the best and most beautiful things I have seen, which is saying a lot since I feel like I have been blessed to have a life filled with beautiful things. Some of you might have seen it before and if you haven't you should. 

It's a story I have heard so many times but seeing it instead of hearing/reading it was the best medium for me. So the story is, the Father has two sons, one works hard, the other lazes out and asks for his inheritance and skips town to get wasted and spend time with harlots. Then, when he runs out of money he comes back home (after eating pig slop. So gross.) And this is the part - this is the part that melts my insides. His father opens his arms, and tells him to come back with open arms. He throws him a party and busts out the fatted calf and the other brother is pissed understandably but the father isn't concerned about being fair. He's just happy to have his son back and opens his arms anyway.

So when I saw this ballet on stage, the Prodigal son dances his heart out when he runs out of money and everything. He almost falls apart he is dancing with so much shame. And he limps back to his dad and the dad lets him in his arms, and the orchestra swells and there was not a dry eye in that room (except for my date, which is how I knew he was definitely not the one.)

We talked about forgiveness yesterday in church, and I felt the same way I did when I saw that ballet. And I realized this thing about forgiveness and that is, that it is the summation of love. It embodies exactly what love is - it is the best definition I have. We all hurt each other. Every single one of us. And we say things we don't mean and we offend each other and we are mean to the people we love the most. Which is why we have got to forgive each other. We have to.

The whole lesson I just kept thinking of this part of Wendell Berry's poem To My Mother (one of my faves, please read the whole thing here.) I hate being the weird girl who always brings up poetry in church (you know who you are) which is why I have a blog. Because in the poem he says:

"And this, then,
is the vision of that Heaven of which
we have heard, where those who love
each other have forgiven each other."

If that's what heaven is like, I don't want to be anywhere else. 

couple friends rant

I have been thinking a lot about making friends as an adult. This article spurred the thought, but moving to a new place has really made me think about it too. I'm in the process of making new friends, and I have met some of the nicest people ever so far, but we are still in the new stages of friendship.  I've said it before and I'll say it again - I feel like most of my friends were inherited (see photo above.) We grew up together, we stayed friends, we married guys who get along. So even though I have made new friends over the years I didn't really need to, if that makes sense. I already had friends. But coming to Arizona and starting all over has been a different story. (Even though I have Liz with me here, albeit 30 minutes away. Ignore this L & B, I'm not talking about you.) 

What I've found so far though, is that making new friends as a married woman is entirely different than making friends as a single college student. You're not just making friends with a girl or a guy - you are making friends with a couple. And instead of calling up a couple to come chill and watch TV with you, you have to plan things. A "dessert party", "game night (THIS MEANS CATCH PHRASE EVERY TIME"), a "make your own pizza night!" or my personal favorite, "potluck."

Don't get me wrong, I usually have fun at all of those things, but I hate the formality of it. The awkwardness when the night ends as though you're saying goodnight to your first date and you don't want to kiss him at the door. The planning part that is always left up to the wives which is probably why it becomes formal. The get-to-know-you questions like, "Where did you two meet?", "How long have you been married?", "What did you both study?" I want to rip my hair out when people ask me those things because the answers to those questions ARE SO BORING. And I ask them back to people not because I care, but because that's what you do. You ask questions with boring answers.

 But what am I supposed to do? Tell the girls that I'm interested in hanging out with them but I don't care if they bring their husbands? And also that husbands are optional? I mean, I like couple friends sometimes but not every time. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for. I've talked about it with my sisters and mom and they all laugh and admit that things become more formalized after you are married.  You could just show up like in the college days and play Xbox and order a pizza and then end up at Sonic for cream slushes... but you don't. You have formal dinner parties and game nights like your parents did. I have left so many of those activities and feel like I know less about the people I was there with than when the night started. I mean, I knew how long they have been married, and where they are from but not the important stuff like how bad their homemade polenta tasted (of course it was terrible - it's polenta) or what their crazy cat lady neighbor did yesterday morning or whether they are Team Peeta or Team Gale. You know, the important stuff. 

Also, married people want to go to bed early which I used to think was embarrassing but I find myself doing the same thing. Why do we have to go to bed early? So we can watch a couple hours of Breaking Bad before bed and fall asleep around 1 am? Why not stay out a little later with our friends? - Oh yeah. Because they are all couple friends and they all go to bed early too.

What I really want is a friend who will come drop in and watch Bachelor with me shamelessly. We could maybe shop online while we watch and ask each other if that shirt from JCrew is really worth $70. If she's a good friend, she probably won't talk me out of it. Later we can grab a greasy taco and when our husbands get home from school they can join us and we can have an Arrested Development marathon. Later we might go swimming in the dark and plan a trip to Mexico for the next weekend. 

If you think that sounds fun, give me a call. I promise never to ask you when you plan on having kids. 

apartment sneak peek

This is mostly for my mom - just a little sneak peek of my apartment in Arizona. It is coming together a lot slower than I wish it was, but here's at least one little corner of the place that is close to being done.

Does anyone know of a good resource for dining chairs? Let's just say it is only cool for so long to have "picnics" when people come over for dinner.

two years

Two years of marriage is not very long in the grand scheme of things, especially when you believe in eternity with the one you love which is so vast and so cosmic that I just focus on one year - even one day at a time. But two years in the life of a twenty-three year old girl is a lot. And two years ago today I married Kevin, a decision I made because I loved him. Or love him, rather.

I wasn't sure what I was doing back then with my life. I was considering more school, a mission - travel. But then I met him and he was this vibrant, life-giver. He was unlike anyone else. And I knew from the second we met that he is what I wanted in my future. We didn't know about money or jobs or school. We hadn't thought about children or a home. We just thought that maybe, since we liked each other so much we could do this.

And we were right. Years ago, when I dreamt of being married I didn't think so much about his looks or his career. I didn't care much about his family or his singing voice or his cooking skills. I just thought so deeply in my heart that all I really wanted was to be happy. 

We may not do things the way everyone else does, Kev. But we love each other, and you have made me feel more loved than I ever imagined. 

Happy Anniversary Lover-boy.

tears

I hadn't cried once since we moved here, which is a bit of an accomplishment since tears come as easily to me as a small child. And not a brave small child either. 

I cried when my family moved to Connecticut. I sobbed into my pillow at night, trying not to wake up my roommate who tossed and turned in the bed next to me, her sighs and rustles telling me she was awake too. I cried when I moved to Connecticut myself, because there is always someone to miss, no matter where you are. You never realize that everyone you love is around you when they are, which seems to be an unfair trick life plays on us. 

I cried in Hawaii most nights. I missed Kevin, and the familiar home I left behind. I missed the safety net I left, but mostly I missed Kevin.

So when I made it two full weeks without crying here, it felt like such a triumph. I bragged about it to my sisters and my mom, and they congratulated me, knowing that it is hard to do this. It is hard to pack up your life and assume a new one so quickly. It is hard to try to incorporate your new life into lives of others who have deeper roots. 

But it finally happened tonight. I went to visit a new friend who lives downstairs and just had a baby. Her house was bustling - her mother, her in-laws, husband and son all there, moving in and out of the apartment like it was nothing. Other friends were there too, congratulating her, chatting with me - with each other. It smelled like dinner and the light was that warm, familiar dim and the loud overwhelmed me in the best way.

When it was time to go I walked up the stairs, the floor of my apartment just mere inches from where her ceiling began. It was dark and quiet and Kevin was still at the library where he has been every night until dark this week. I sunk against the door after locking it and cried.

And you know, it wasn't the best cry I've had, but when I finished I still felt better. The cry was rooted in loneliness and newness but mostly I cried because it was so quiet I needed something - some sound to fill the empty air. When I was done I laughed at myself, and I made a sandwich and I ate it outside on the stoop where I heard babies crying and birds whistling at each other and I let the heat seep into my skin and I decided I would be okay. 

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